The Moller Family

T is for time

2012-02-02T20:17:00.002-06:00

In the American culture, time is a commodity. Hence the expression "time is money." But this isn't the case with all cultures. I know this. I teach this. And yet, I have never taken the time (no pun intended) to examine what that looks like in my life.

I'll be the first to admit that I stress over time. There never seems to be enough of it. Right? Well, maybe... not.

It seems as though I have too many things I am trying to cram into my days. Cooking, cleaning, children, working, and on and on and on.

I took the littles for a morning excursion today. We were all needing a little time away from the house. As LJ and I enjoyed breakfast and Madi played with the other rug rats, I couldn't help but over hear two moms sitting close by. They were openly discussing the same dilemma. As they shared their struggles, the one thing that really stood out to me was how one of the women expressed how her husband's requests for time with her were, well, not welcomed. She had other more important things to do than to spend time meeting his needs.

And my heart broke for her.

But the truth is, we all, at some point, make the same mistake. Maybe not with our spouses, but with other important people and/or things in our lives.

So if time is not a commodity, then what matters? What about cultures where time isn't money? What matters are your relationships with other people. It means taking the time to do something for someone or with someone regardless of the cost it has on your time clock.

I don't know that I could recklessly abandon my clock. I do value punctuality and I respect my requests (demands) on other people's schedules. But I want to grow and realize that the is more to life than getting things done, checking things off my list, and worrying about having enough time. I do know that I want to focus more on relationships with people I love. I do know that when the end f my time on earth draws near, I am not going to be concerned with how much laundry I have done, rather how many people I have loved.

What does time mean to you? Does it need to change and if so, what do you want it to look like?

S is for Slob

2012-01-29T22:16:00.002-06:00

Since this has come up a lot lately, I thought I would share.

Hi, my name is Jillian and I am a reformed slob.

Yup, your read that right.

My bedroom used to look like a bad episode of Hoarders (minus the food trash). Dirty clothes and junk everywhere. I was just joking with my friend Sarah that I would go buy new clothes instead of washing the ones I had.

So along comes this great guy, Frank. And Frank is a neat freak. And I am not. So my mom tells me that our future is dim (she actually said he would never marry me) because I was a slob. Then one day in pre-marriage counseling, he mentioned that he wanted to me to focus on becoming more neat. After freaking out and almost calling off our wedding, I made the decision to change.

And change I did. Now I am the neat freak. I throw more things out than I keep. Don't worry - in a earth friendly way:-) I organize and label and reorganize. I keep notebooks and charts with schedules and plans. I love my cleaning schedule:

Monday Master - the master suite
Tuesday Tile - the great room which includes the kitchen, living room, breakfast room and entry
Wednesday Wee Ones - Madi's room, John's room and their bathroom
Thursday Tween - Emily's world upstairs
Friday Front - the office and dining room

I also do one load of laundry and dishes everyday. Pretty fun, huh? I get to keep the house clean, spending very little time each day doing it. It doesn't always go as planned, and that is OKAY. Sometimes I want to pop my head like Jeannie and have it all clean, but instead I focus on my cleaning time as an act of worship. I use the time to thank God for our beautiful home, the children who mess it up, and the husband who works so hard to provide for it. A little attitude change goes a long way.

Don't confuse my confession with conceit. I am actually self-disclosing not to convince everyone to be a neat freak, rather to encourage you to find one thing that matters to your spouse that you are struggling with. It could be finances, cooking, intimacy, etc. Make the determination to make the change. You might surprise yourself.

R is for review - 2011 at a glance

2012-01-04T21:42:00.003-06:00

2011 is over. Another year gone by. It seems like the older I get, the faster time flies. Is it just me?

So let me take you on a journey of the Moller's 2011 highlights.

January: home sweet home! We were settling in as a family of five. LJ was trying to get a hang of eating and growing. Mads had that part down. I survived January with the help of my momma. She took some time off of work to help us settle in with two under two, while I recovered from my surgery and nursed the littlest one through prematurity. I LOVE my momma!

February: a scary month in our house. We decided (against every instinct in my soul) to give Madison a trial vaccine. It didn't go so well. She reacted horribly, proving that a) there is something genetic predisposing our children to reactions or b) vaccines aren't safe. I personally think it is a combination of the two. She made it through with no long term damage other than some reactive airway issues.

March: Em turned the big 1-2. We celebrated big time. It was a milestone for me. I've never told anyone this before, but I didn't think she would live to be 12. The only other child I have read about with the severity of vaccine injury Em had died shortly before turning 12. I dreaded her birthday, somehow irrationally afraid we would suffer the same fate. That's the down side of the vaccine injured world. So little research is done. No one knows the outcomes. The best they can say is to cherish each day, one day at a time. So we do. And it was a wonderful celebration.

April: I FINISHED MY THESIS!!! It was oh so wonderful to achieve this. After years of hard work, it was done. Frank, LJ and I boarded a plane to Michigan for some face-to-face time with my school colleagues. Did I already say it was wonderful?

May: I officially graduated with my Master's degree in Communication. Yippee!

June:I honestly cannot remember June.

July: All sorts of craziness for the Mollers. Em had a major seizure while away at church camp. My mother was with her, thank God, and could stay with her while she was rushed to the hospital. Fortunately, it was a short stay; some IV seizure meds and IV fluids and she perked right up.

Madison turned two. Now given some of my previous posts, you might think that this was the beginning of the terrible twos, but it wasn't. It was actually the beginning of some wonderful times. She really started to blossom. She potty trained within two days (FULLY including night time) started speaking in paragraphs and developed this amazing personality. She is just the best:-)

August: Two amazing things happened in August. Emily was accepted into the Monarch School for children with Neurological Differences and I met my hero, Barbara Low Fisher.

After realizing that the public schools could not meet her needs, we set out to find a place where Emily could be successful. We were led to an amazing place by our Life Care Planners, called The Monarch School. I would link a previous post, but I have to ask Elizabeth how to do that. To prevent this post from being a mile long, I will describe more about Monarch soon).

In August, we were contacted by Barbara Loe Fisher and the National Vaccine Information Center to record a documentary about Emily's vaccine reaction. More details and a link coming soon.

Oh, and how can I forget - I started my dream job teaching college speech communications! I LOVE MY JOB!!!

September - Lots of work for my new job. Lots and lots of work.

October - More work.

November - My babies got sick for the first time - we actually had to go to the doctor. Boo - it was so sad. Fortunately, they got well in time for Thanksgiving which we celebrated at our home again. It was wonderful, amazing, spectacular - need I say more. I have such a great family. We have our issues (who doesn't???) but I really love my family. Especially my parents. We had some very tough times over the years. But I love their resilience. I love how we can fight, make-up, and come out stronger on the other side.

December - The year was almost over already. I could hardly believe that our little man was turning one. One whole year had past since he joined our lives and changed us forever. Christmas was wonderful. We got to do something secret and special for someone in need. We relished in the joy of our children on Christmas day. We realized that life may never be perfect, but we are in heaven on earth. We are tremendously blessed with incredible friends, supportive family and health after some scary uncertainties years ago. And though we do not have the latest, greatest, biggest and bestest of everything, we have what we want - each other.

Q is for Q-T

2011-11-02T13:25:00.004-05:00

Now how about that for a title;-) I wish I could claim the creativity, but I saw it on license plate somewhere.

Well, I have posted about all of my precious family-of-procreation members, except for little Miss Mads. She got skipped in the shuffle, so here it goes.

Mad Madi Moller. She is proof that dynamite comes in small packages. She is the miracle we prayed for and after some struggle, we were incredibly blessed when she joined our family in July of 2009, more than 10 years after Em was born.

Madi, is well, a bit of a drama queen. (I have no idea where she gets it from!?!? hee hee hee!) From conception to birth, she let her presence be known. My pregnancy was less than comfortable, but nevertheless, I loved every second of her growing in my belly. Her first few months, were tough, at best. With some colic and reflux, our precious high-maintenance baby, cried and cried for hours everyday. But then she got mobile, and watch out world, here she comes!

Now we see how much her personality infused those first few months. Mads is brilliant and feisty, determined and strong willed. But her smile can light up the darkest of rooms. She has a sweet sense of humor and her giggles just warm my heart. She is definitely a daddy's girl, but even he can be the brunt of her anger when Madi is in a "mood." Just the other morning, while getting ready for school she said "Daddy, you need to be quiet."

In my heart, I know God gave us Mads to help when the day comes that we can no longer care for Em. Em is going to need someone who is stubborn and head strong - someone who can fight like hell for her.

I am so glad that this sweet creature is a part of my life. It has been amazing to travel this journey with my best friend and love of my life.

P is for priorities

2011-10-24T10:53:00.005-05:00

So much is going on in my crazy life right now. And God sent me a little wake-up call.

I was teaching about chronemics, or the use of time as communication. We discussed how time communicates messages of power and value. For example, when a doctor keeps you waiting for an extending period of time, yet cancels your appointment if you run late, they are sending you the message that they are in a position of power in the relationship and that their time is more valuable than your own.

Chronemics can also work in the sense that people can tell our values by how we choose to spend out time - where we put our time is in what we value; our priorities.

Well, then, I guess my priorities are cleaning, driving, my iPhone..... you get the point.

Why is my life not reflecting my heart, right now, at least? I think it is because my priorities are all out of whack. So I am starting a new plan - time to get things back into balance.

God - I will put God first by taking turns (with Frank) going to church when the kids are sick instead of the whole family staying home. I will also replace 15 minutes a day of iPhone time with Bible reading time.

Husband - I will turn the TV off in the bedroom - no TV after 8pm. (I think he is going to like this one!)

Children - I will only clean house for 2 hours a day. The rest of the time will be spent playing, reading, swinging or whatever my littles want to do.

Work - I will spend 3 hours each Saturday and Sunday preparing lectures, and no more than one hour per evening on other related tasks.

Me (yup - I am in there somewhere) I will take 2 hours a week to craft in the office. No kids, no distractions, just pure me and the sewing machine, bow making time!

I'll let you all know how it goes!

J

O is for optimism

2011-10-16T17:42:00.002-05:00

You know the old expression - glass half full or glass half empty. Well, I am definitely a half-full kind of person. I have learned through various struggles that you can choose to look on the brighter side of life. Now this isn't to say that I don't have my half-empty days - I think we all do, but my over all perspective is optimistic.

Lately, I have been reflecting on some failed friendships. Maybe failed isn't the best word. Listen to me - Mrs. Interpersonal Communication Teacher. I know friendships have stages and I know that some dissolve - that is just life. But I have been interested in seeking a common thread - specifically my role in these so-called failed friendships. After all, isn't part of my mission in life to grow to be more like Christ in everything I do.

So what I have discovered is two-part - my role in relational dissolution and the "other's" role.

My part is simple - I don't think I tell people who I am. Yes, I am very outgoing, social and I love to spend time with friends. BUT and a very very very big but, I am a home body. I love to be at home with my family, hanging out, cleaning house, playing games, etc. I do not prefer girl friend time over family time. And husband time comes before anything else. That's right - I will ditch girl's night out in a heartbeat if that means snuggling on the couch with my hubby. It doesn't mean that I don't value our friendship; it doesn't mean that I don't enjoy another's company. I just prefer quiet down time. So there - now you know;-)

The second part and inspiration for this quote, is that I am VERY sensitive to negativity. VERY sensitive. It drains me. It sucks the life out of me. Negative friends can literal bring me down in a heartbeat.

This doesn't just include the Negative Nancy - you all know the type; the constant complainer. Everything is always bad - work, school, children, you name it. Just makes me want to shout "can you be happy about just one thing!?!?!?"

It is also the one upper - you know, you lose 1 pound she loses 2. Your husband is out of town for 1 week, hr husband is always gone. Ugh - just typing about this makes me tic. Good things here too. She is always better or worse than you. And forget about the empathy; she doesn't have it.

And lastly, the trouble maker. This one is hard to describe but you know it when you meet her. She struggles with keeping it real. Maybe tells you one thing, then goes behind your back and says the opposite. She likes to instigate trouble in your life, spreading rumors, belittling you, rude and tactless comments... the list goes on.

I really can get along with anyone - even all of the types above - but in very small doses. I think that in the end it is important to be able to say that some relationships just don't work. It is okay to begin a friendship and realize that you don't have to be best friends. It has taken me a long time to come to this realization, but some people are better suited for others when it comes to friendships. I need people who can be positive, real and respectful of who I am without putting me down. This doesn't always happen - but it can.

So with all of this negative talk, I need to bring this to an end. Time to enjoy dinner with some people I love and to pray and be thankful for my wonderful friends.

Lots of love - J

N is for New kind of normal

2011-10-09T20:54:00.002-05:00

Once again, I seemed to have slipped back on my posting. Life has been blessedly busy. All sorts of changes have turned things a little upside down. Long gone are the days of sleeping in late and cuddling with the babies, waiting for the school bus to take Em to school, being a full-time stay-at-home-mom... we now have a new kind of normal.

Normal days now start before 6 am. Getting three children dressed and ready for the day is quite the task. Lunches, back packs, diaper bags, so much before we head out the door by 7am.

On most mornings, Frank drops the girls off at school, while I begin the home chores. It is amazing how much laundry a family of five can produce. Then in the afternoons, our carpool schedule can last as long as three hours. Twice a week, Grandma watches the littles so I can sneak off to work and share my passion with budding college students. Night time routines leave just enough energy to fall into bed with enough time to say a few prayers before our heads hit the pillows. All this stuff is just life. The changes have meant very little down time, but it is just a part of life.

The new kind of normal is mostly in regards to our Em.

Normal now means not having to explain to the teacher or school that a seizure has her feeling sluggish.

Normal now means not having to explain to other parents her odd behavior or meltdowns.

Normal now means being a place where she can excel and be celebrated instead of at the bottom of the pack struggling to survive.

Normal now means that someone understands our daily lives, our internal struggles, our endless prayers.

Normal now means wonderful friends who are there to hold me up when I can't stand.

Normal now means being a part of a community where neurologically different isn't so different.

Normal now means watching my daughter blossom. Yes, blossom. She is growing and changing right before my eyes. She is blooming with vivid colors of happiness. We are learning together as a family how to exist with epilepsy and autism.

For the past couple of years, I have adopted a theme song for Emily's life. "Butterfly Fly Away" by Miley Cyrus. Here are the lyrics:

You tuck me in, turn out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away
Got your wings, now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away
You've been waiting for this day
All along and know just what to do

Butterfly, Butterfly, Butterfly
Butterfly fly away

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the irony. The Monarch School, monarch butterfly, watching my sweet girl transform before my eyes. If our lives have changed so much over the past few weeks, imagine what the next few years have in store.

To the team at The Monarch Institute, there will never be enough thank yous. Thank you for helping us make our dreams come true.

M is for Monarch

2011-09-16T08:49:00.002-05:00

(Okay, take a deep breath momma)

I find myself being extremely emotionally lately. There have been a lot of changes in our life. Wonderful changes. But with change comes growing, and sometimes growing means growing pains. I must take a deep breath and compose myself as I share something with you.

Many years ago, we were incredibly blessed to send Emily to the Parish School - a school for children with language based learning differences. Unfortunately, after Frank and I were married, we no longer financially qualified for the scholarship money we needed and mountains of medical bills prevented us from affording the cost.

Fortunately, we found Texas Christian School. They usually do not accept children with special needs, however, after meeting with us, they were able to help us make something happen. Emily's needs were addressed to the best of all of our abilities. She was deeply loved there. And while it worked, it was very good.

Unfortunately, 4th grade brought serious challenges. In 4th grade, the overall curriculum concepts shift from concrete to abstract. This was bad news for Em. To put it mildly, she struggles with abstract concepts. This sent her into a downward spiral. She became severely depressed. We had no choice but to homeschool her until we could develop another plan.

So the plan was to move. Our current home zoned us to an undesirable public school. We put our house on the market, found a new home and enrolled Em in public school. Now looking back, I have no idea why, as a public school teacher, I thought it would be better for my daughter than it was for my special education students, but I think I wanted to believe that there were teachers like me who would fight for their students. And there were, but the problem is systematic. Another mistake, another nightmare. I found myself fighting more than ever to get Em the help she desperately needed.

After the TAKS test nightmare, the school situation was beginning to feel hopeless. On our knees, Frank and I prayed for guidance, wisdom and help. I remembered a school I had read about somewhere, one my mother had mentioned recently, so to the WWW I went. The Monarch School - seemed too much like a dream, but because she needed it, because I felt like her very life was depending on it, I made a call. And in we went.

After our first meeting, I left feeling overwhelmed. It was as if the school was designed for Em. It is created to help students with neurological differences, such as epilepsy, autism spectrum disorders, ADHD, just to name a few. Once I can better articulate the program (and get permission to share) I will certainly do so.

It was August and the first day of school was approaching. An admission decision takes a few weeks; one that we were prepared to wait for. But we were prepared for Em to start public school and began to coach her and get her ready.

The night before her first day, Emily cried and physically shook with fear. I held her in my arms, stroked her thick brown hair and promised her I would do everything I could to make school work for her. We prayed together as a family and asked God to fill her with peace. She slept well that night. But the peace ended there. The first few days were torture. She finally begged me to call Monarch and ask them for an update. So I did. And we received the best news ever. Em was accepted and would start almost immediately. We had a few more steps to work through.

On the evening of the last day of public school for Em, Frank and I noticed something we have never seen in her before. Peace. Real peace. She wasn't nervous, scared, afraid, anxious, ticking, stimming, crying or tantrums. There was peace. In our home, there was peace.

The first day went well. I had a chance to meet some of the older girls. I was amazed at how articulate and engaging they were. They all introduced themselves to me, shook my hand and admired baby John. Wow - I was started to see a glimpse of Em in several years. Hope. There is hope.

So flash forward a couple of days. We had our first parent meeting. We learned that Emily would be required to attend an overnight retreat. Well, you all know how our last camp experience ended, and I was less than excited about a repeat performance. Okay, okay, I was terrified. Some very deep feelings, things I hadn't acknowledged and/or had repressed were surfacing. I sat in my van in the parking lot and cried. As I was about to pull away, another mom knocked on my car window. We began to talk. And I realized how much God was a part of this. Not only does her sweet girl have seizures, not only does she get my life, but she also lives minutes from us. Keep in mind that this school is over where I used to teach - yup, halfway across town, and we met a family with a daughter Em's age, with similar needs, lives close, and they are Christians! Seriously?!?! Can this all be happening?

It has only been two weeks, but it has been an amazing two weeks. We are all trying to assimilate. There is very much a change of thinking required for all of us - almost reprogramming. We also need to learn the ways of the culture of our new community. It's no wonder I am so emotional. I am surrounded by so much hope, peace, love and faith - blesses, we are so blessed.

Please take a moment to learn more about The Monarch School here.

As always, peace and love,

Jillian

L is for life is crazy!

2011-09-08T20:35:00.003-05:00

Really truly crazy. It has been so long since I posted that I didn't even remember what letter I was on in my alpha-post series.

So much has gone on, I don't even know where to begin. Here are the highlights:

1. I met my hero. Barbara Loe Fisher of the National Vaccine Information Center and her son Chris who was injured by the same vaccine as Emily came to spend some time with our family. There are simply no words to describe the experience. She is such an inspiration. Chris is amazing and meeting him filled my life with hope again. I was in a bit of celebrity shock, but know fill like we have two new members of our family.

2. I landed my dream job. YAY! I am teaching communication courses at a local community college. My students are great and I love my course content. Plus, we do not have to put the littles in daycare. The best of all worlds all the way around.

3. Emily started a new school. The day before Barbara came into town, we found out that Emily had been accepted into Monarch Institute. I will post a lot more on my next post, but I can say now that this school is the best thing that has happened to Em in a long time.

Well, it it late and I don't seem to have enough hours in a day now. But life is good. Thank you all for your prayers and support. Until next time:-)

K is for Keeping It Real

2011-08-05T10:37:00.002-05:00

I am struggling. Actually, it feels like I am barely keeping my head above water. I have a good life - no, I have a great life, but if I am to be honest and keep it real, sometimes life is very hard to do. Right now is one of those times.

I feel like I am being attacked on all fronts - adding insult to injury. Coping with very difficult realities about Em's future, and letting go of dreams that every parent has for their daughter. Realizing that vaccines have ruined all parts of my life, including the ability to receive appropriate healthcare for my children, losing family members over our choice to not vaccinate our babies, losing my own health, an so much more. The financial devastation of caring for a special needs child and my unsuccessful job search to meet the increasing and growing needs of our family. My weight and eating disorder. It is just all falling apart at the same time.

Fortunately, God gave me the most amazing husband in the world. Last night, as he held me in his arms and wiped the tears from my eyes, he reminded me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In that moment, I realized something important about life and love.

I have decided there are three kinds of relationships.

1) People you have to love, i.e. relatives

2) People you chose to love, friends, spouses

3) People you have to chose to love - EVERYONE

See, no matter how you look at it, love is a CHOICE. It is a conscious decision to see someone as Christ sees them. It is a daily choice to look past their faults and failures and to CHOOSE

to love them in spite of it all. It is the constant reminder that we all fall short of the glory of God all the time and no one of us is better than the other.

But there is also a harsh reality that comes with my revelation. I can make the choice to love someone in spite of all of their short comings, mistakes and sins against me, but that doesn't mean they will do the same. Forgiving someone doesn't mean being a door mat and allowing them to do it over and over and over again. At some point, I have to let go and realize that for some people I will never be good enough.

Fortunately, as I tread these terrible waters lately, dealing with deep pain and acceptance of Emily's injury and future, I have had tremendous support from those who have made the choice to love me - people I am good enough for. Not because they have to, but because the relationships are real. They realize I am not perfect and I will sometimes disappoint them, but our relationships are pure.

Steph, Dara, Elizabeth, Sarah - thank you for all of the unconditional support. Thank you for drying my tears and praying for our family. Thank you for allowing me to be who I am with no strings attached. Thank you for understanding that I am not perfect, but loving me in spite of it all.

Frank - there will never be enough thank yous. I love you.

And for the rest of you reading this - our little family is in desperate need of you prayers.

Love always,

J is for John

2011-07-24T10:21:00.015-05:00

The past couple of weeks have been rough. And I mean very rough.

It is hard to think that one little decision I made 10 years ago could possibly change my life forever and infuse every second of my day, but I guess that is why I advocate so hard that vaccinating is not a "little decision."

In all this chaos, I have had a reminder of how precious life is - my sweet little John. As much as it pains me to consider my first born a sacrificial lamb, it is possible that God allowed her to endure her injury so that John would not have the same fate. What a little hero she is!

So here is a post dedicated to the little man in my life!

You all know his birth story. Eager to join our family, John arrived 6 weeks early. He was different than my girls at first, in that eating was a chore and getting it just right took almost a month. He was a peaceful baby, right from the start. He has been smiling almost since birth. Oh and how his belly laugh fills the room with joy.

He is definitely a mommas boy, but it doesn't take much for daddy to capture his heart. No one can get him laughing and smiling like daddy. He also loves his big sisters and delights in their chance to entertain him.

In spite of his prematurity, John has been very healthy, making it to six months without a sick visit to the doc. Reflux seems to plague him, as it did Madi, but since it has not interrupted his growth or happiness, we have skipped the meds this time. Speaking of growth, my sweet boy is all about the food. He has already tripled his weight (from momma's milk alone) and has taken a liking to baby food thanks to my friend's advice of oatmeal instead of rice. Oh - last night we tried peaches; a BIG no no. He actually gagged! But he has done well with everything else so far.

As far as development goes, he seems to be more verbal than physical. I have a theory that babies are strong verbally or physical in the first year. For example, Emily was putting two words together at 8 months, which is very advanced, but was on target with her physical milestones, like sitting crawling and walking. Mads was the opposite - she sat at 5 months, crawled at 7 and walked at 9, but was slower to talk. John seems to take after Em. He has all sorts of consistent sounds/words already like da-da, ma-ma and my favorite "hey"! He sits independently, rolls and scoots, but is not crawling yet - I don't mind this so much as I am not quite ready to chase him!

He has stolen my heart.He was the son I thought I would never have. From his conception to his NICU story, he is a miracle to us. He is a reminder that life goes on and only gets better.

A little slide show of the past few months -

I is for "I Love You Forever"

2011-07-07T19:49:00.005-05:00

I know, I know. No posts for several days then three in 24 hours. But that is how my crazy life works.

I have a crazy, and I mean uber crazy memory. I have seemingly random items filed away in my storage cabinet of a brain. One of those crazy memories is of my 5th grade teacher reading us the book "I Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. I can't remember my teacher's name, but I do remember exactly what she looked like - her hair style, Angelina lips, and the wrist brace from Carpal Tunnel.

Anyhow, she read us this amazing and incredible book that tells of the circle of life. In the beginning, a new mommy tenderly rocks her child and sings them this precious song (which I remember the tune my teacher sang!) "I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." As the child grows she continues this tradition through each stage of life, until the very end when he rocks his mommy and sings the special song to her.

I remember reading this to my precious Em and singing the sweet little song. I remember daydreaming of the stages she would go through. It has been a much different journey than I dreamed of. Similarly, life with the babies is equally different because they do not have the challenges or struggles I am used to with Em.

My advice/opinion/take on the madness? Motherhood is not always what you think it will be. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Just take one day at a time, roll with the punches and hang on for the ride. And don't forget to pick up your little ones, rock them back and forth and sing "I love you forever."

H is for Houston

2011-07-07T09:00:00.002-05:00

Okay - so this alpha thing is all about me, right? Well, I'll make this one short and sweet.

Did you know that I am a native Houstonian and huge University of Houston fan? GO COOGS!

My mother and father are both native Houstonians. My mother's father (my Paw-Paw) actually went to U of H and my mom lived on campus in their army barracks as a young child. My dad - yup, you guessed it, also a Coog. Add my brother, sister-in-law, aunt, and a few other peeps, and we are one red sport family.

My degree is in Communications and I also have 27 undergrad hours in English. My programs were challenging and robust. I made wonderful friends and even met my precious groom at U of H.

As for Houston, I love this place! Sure it is hot, but I hate cold weather anyways. Besides, you can do a million things to cool off, but not much when you are snowed in! Some highlights of Houston:

- incredible food; amazing restaurants of all flavors

- great shopping

- fine arts; I love TUTS and the Houston Ballet

- Texas Medical Center (a huge plus with Emily's needs)

- my family, by far the best part!

Until the letter "I"... wow that's going to be a hard one?

G is for God

2011-07-06T15:54:00.007-05:00

This was a hard one. The past couple of weeks have been quite stressful. Summer time with the big girl is always hard. I have been trying to think of "G" letters, but coming up short. What is the biggest "G" in my life? My God. So here it goes.

This is my testimony or how I became a follower of Christ.

I had a pretty typical, middle-class, suburban childhood. I am the youngest of three, with two older brothers. From what I understand, I was a challenging child, kind of like my Mads. Strong-willed and stubborn, and definitely too smart for my own good. I adored my Daddy and was the apple of his eye. I excelled in school, ballet, Girl Scouts and piano, keeping my Mom in business as my personal driver. Life was good.

I am not sure where things went wrong. We certainly had issues within our family. I have psycho-analyzed it all over the years, and could blame my problems on a million things. But somewhere, things started going seriously downhill.

My teenage years were riddled with failure and rebellion. I screwed up so many wonderful opportunities. I struggled with depression and bulimia. I experimented with a ton of things to try to fill the void deep within my soul. Nothing, absolutely nothing worked.

Flash forward a few years. I was twenty and in no better shape than when I was 12. My brother and sister-in-law were grounded in their faith and had invited me to their church on several occasions. They had come across as "holy knockers" and I had no interest in being one of those "Christians" so time after time, I turned them down. Then one Sunday, I was at work waiting tables and nearing the end of my shift. For some reason beyond my understanding, I heard an audible voice telling me to go to church. I thought, "Great. This is it. I am officially going off the deep end. I'm hallucinating." On the drive home, I had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I got home, I called my sister-in-law and asked her to take me to church. AT first she said no and that we would go another time, then realizing the urgency in my request, she called back and told me where to meet her.

We went to a contemporary service called Logos at Second Baptist Church. It wasn't like any service I had ever been to. The music was led by a band and was deeply emotional rather than hymnal like I was used to. In the beginning of the service, there was a time of prayer and I asked God to show me that I was worthy of His love.

The pastor (Ben Young) approached the alter and from his mouth spoke the words "God is love." I immediately felt my eyes fill with tears. During the service, it was as if God was speaking through him directly to me. He described every sin I was struggling with and how no matter what nothing would fill the void in my heart - nothing other than His son.

That night, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior, meaning I professed that I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that he died on the cross so that I can be forgiven of my sins and have eternal life ever-lasting.

I wish my testimony ended there, but no such luck.

I was on fire. I was living and loving God. But in my newness to my faith, I mistakingly believed that life would suddenly become easy and my struggles would magically end. Nope. Doesn't work that way. It wasn't long before I started to struggle. In a nutshell, my core fear is rejection. When I feel rejected, it deeply affects me and my usually reaction is to reject first when I feel it coming. I had some new Christian friends and long story short, was being rejected. So I started to spend more time with my "old" friends with bad habits and feel back into some old ways.

In July 1998, I found out I was pregnant with my girl Em. I immediately knew that this was my chance, for once and for all, to get my life together. Sweet Em was my angel sent to give me a reason to be everything He created me to be.

Em joined our family, I started college, and made plans to serve women in the crisis pregnancy community. The when Em was 15 months old (11 years ago today - ironically), my world fell apart when Em suffered a severe reaction to a vaccination known as Encephalopathy or brain damage. I was so angry with God. Bitter, bitter, angry to the core. I spent the next few years in a deep state of depression while trying to find the answers to Emily's illness and how to fix it. Somewhere in that struggle, God brought me my other angel, Frank. He helped me to reconnect to faith and one month before our wedding, we were baptized together.

So here we are today. I feel closer to God than ever before. I am a part of an amazing Bible based church where we worship and attend Bible study. I have made genuine friends in faith. We study the Bible together and support each other in being Godly wives and mothers. After taking course in Communication in Christian Ministries as a part of my master's degree, I [pray that I am led to serve God somewhere, somehow in my future. I am working on a Bible Study/Book for churches to use in crisis pregnancy programs, but it will be a couple of years before I can get to press.

I am so glad, that along this crazy journey, God never left my side, even when I was kicking and screaming and hurting. When it comes to God, I truly, deeply and passionately believe that God is love. He loves me and He loves you too.

F is for Frank

2011-06-28T08:05:00.004-05:00

What else could F stand for in my life? Well, I guess I could think of a few other F words that frequently appear in my life, but the most important of them all is Frank, my wonderful groom and partner in life.

Frank is pretty special. I think he is the reason our marriage is so wonderful. I can't take any credit compared to all the work he puts into it. When I hear women complain about their husbands, you know, the stereotype, sit on the couch watch football and drink beer kind of guy, I truly feel sorry for them. Frank is the complete opposite.

First of all, he is an amazing and engaged father. Without bashing, I don't think his father is capable of being a loving and engaging father. Because of this, Frank vowed to be what his father wasn't to him. He plays with the children, helps care for them (changing diapers to bath time), is physically affectionate, punishes fairly and takes interest in their educations. In our house, child rearing isn't just my responsibility; it is joint effort. My favorite example of how far he goes to help me is when John was born and in the NICU. As I have shared before, breast feeding was not easy with John. I had to pump every two hours around the clock from the time I left the recovery room after my surgery until John was 6 weeks old. This was an exhausting chore, one that you would think is the sole responsibility of the one with the breasts, right? Wrong. Frank set my alarm, woke up with me every time. Washed and sterilized all of my parts. He would even massage my shoulders when the stress was getting to me. What a man!

Frank is also an amazing husband. Which I must add is very difficult given how high maintenance and challenging I am. He helps with dinner and dishes, sweeping and mopping. He compliments my physical beauty and finds me beautiful, chunkiness and all. He puts up with my temper tantrums and meltdowns - his response to my last one was roses. He tells me know when the timing is not right for our family, but always considers the desires of my heart when he approaches the Lord in prayer. He lives a life of generosity, always putting others before himself.

And he is very handsome too:-)

I am one lucky girl.

E is for Emily

2011-06-21T20:16:00.002-05:00

My sweet, sweet Emily.

I am not sure I have the words or strength to write this post, but I will try, boy will I try.

From the very beginning, Emily's life has been a precious miracle to me. I have never told anyone this before and I am quite sure that my mother won't be happy, but when that little stick had 2 blue lines, I was secretly happy - very very happy. My life was going one way - the wrong way. But the moment I saw that second blue line, a smile swept across my face and I thanked God for the reason that I desperately needed to get it together.

When I first found out I was pregnant, no one else was happy. Not because they were upset about "the baby," they just didn't think I would be a good mother. I didn't think I would either. But through God's wonderful plan, He revealed His plan for me to parent that precious baby girl. To everyone's surprise, especially my mother's, I ended up being a pretty good mom. It seemed to come naturally. She was a prefect, healthy, happy baby. We had a few speed bumps with her birth father, but that was quickly resolved.

Then one day, our lives changed forever, and vaccine injured became Emily's legacy.

I'm not quite ready to share all of the gory details, nor do I want to scare all of my mommy friends with the horror of the dark side of vaccines - you know that "small" risk that doctors tell you not to worry about. So instead, I want to tell you about my Em.

She is skinny and beautiful. There is a little bit of the tween awkwardness in her appearance - when your hands and feet are bigger than the rest of your body and you still need to grow into your teeth. She has mysterious eyes that sometimes are blue like the ocean and other times green like the grass.

She loves, loves, loves dogs - all things dogs. Dog movies, dog books, dog pictures, especially Balto. She also loves to draw and is a precious little artist. When weather permits, she can swing for hours, and when it doesn't permit, she is content to watch TV or play on the computer.

She is compassionate and deeply empathetic - weird for someone with autism, but to a fault, I suppose. She has a hard time telling where your feelings end and hers begin, but such depth is a gift. She loves her brother and sister as much as she can, and hates anything that can remotely be considered work.

More than anything, I love my girl. She is my angel. Without her, I have no idea where I would be. I certainly wouldn't be happy. I look forward to her spending the rest of her life proving everyone wrong. God willing, a long, long, long life.

D is for dizzy

2011-06-17T16:09:00.005-05:00

I started this post with a million other titles. First, D was for dentist. We have been to the dentist, and the orthodontist, a million times, over the past two weeks. Since I have a slight (extreme) phobia of the dentist, this has been challenging. Interestingly enough, I also met a new friend at the dentist too. But then, I decided that the post was blah.

Then D was for Dear John. No, not that type. The Dear John, oh-son-of-mine-how-much-I-adore-you-and-cannot-live-without-you-you-complete-me kind of post. John didn't really care, though. He jut wanted a boob. So nope, new post.

Then D was for Drama. Mads and her terrible twos, the apple not falling far from the tree. But as I read what I wrote, it sounded terribly witchy, whiny and ungrateful, so scratch.

Now D is for Dizzy. Let me share a funny story.

Today we were spending time with friends. Of course, Mads temperament came into discussion. Earlier in the day, I had been discussing the possibility of under stimulation with my mother - is it possible that Madi's GT and just needing more interaction and stimulation? As I brought this up with our friends, we glanced over to see Mads spinning in circles "chasing her tail" as Sarah called it. Touche, Mads, touche.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. My girl sure does have a special temperament. But God gave it to her for a reason, and He gave me her for a reason. So here on out, no more griping, whining or complaining about my terrible two year old. We are just going to march to the beat of our own tantrum and chase our tails to get dizzy.

C is for counseling

2011-06-14T19:22:00.002-05:00

Or it could be for crazy, which would explain the counseling... :-)

Anywho - so back on my marriage soapbox.

I am not sure why I am so passionate about healthy marriages. I mean, it really doesn't change my life one way or another if someone's marriage is rotten - or does it? We all have things that resonate deeply within us and having a healthy marriage is important to me.

Now, some of you might read this and be offended, and if so, I really apologize - it is not my intent to be ugly at all. But the truth of the matter is, when I look at people in my life (cyber and face-to-face) I don't know many who are living in a fulfilling marriage. It actually makes me quite sad.

The other day, I asked Frank if I am delusional - I mean are we really as happy as I think we are? His answer was that we are that happy, but it is only because of hard work - very hard work.

Frank and I were required to attend pre-marital counseling prior to our wedding ceremony. After the first couple of sessions, we new that it was going to take a lot more than three sessions to be successful at marriage. We ended up in counseling for THREE YEARS! Yes, THREE YEARS, my friends.

Which leads me to my point - counseling and/or therapy is a wonderful tool for marriage. And it doesn't nor shouldn't mean that their is something "wrong" with your marriage. Being married is hard work. It is the hardest thing I have ever done! Having a counselor (preferably Christian, in my opinion) will help you acquire tools needed to navigate the good and bad times. Think of it as a coach.

So if your marriage is rock solid, you may not think you need it, but still consider it. Frank and I check in with our therapist about every 6 months - we consider it a tune up:-) And if you marriage is less than rock solid, really, really consider it. It may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

And for you brides, my precious lady friends, I want us to make a commitment to one another. Let's lift up our husbands. Let us speak of them as our heros, being the cheerleaders they need to navigate life. We can be transparent, and honest, without belittling our grooms. Let us hold one another accountable for being the kind of wife we were created to be instead of commiserating.

I want to share another tool with you ladies. This blog, The Generous Wife, has made a tremendous impact on my life. I am so thankful to be blessed daily by Lori and her posts that arrive in my inbox. My groom even signed up for her husband's companion blog, The Generous Husband. They have an incredible ministry, including The Marriage Bed, one of my favorite websites! Check them out - they might just bless you too!

B is for Boerne

2011-06-13T12:44:00.005-05:00

Boerne... and blog - it's your lucky day! Two for the price of one!

Boerne, oh sweet Boerne, how I totally adore thee. Many moons ago, when Frank and I were beginning our romance, we took a weekend trip to Boerne, Texas to visit the one and only Scharlene. I was excited on many levels. Time away from reality - working three jobs, raising a vaccine injured preschooler and my senior year of college. I was also excited to spend some time getting to know Frank more. At this point, I had known him as a friend for a couple of years, but the romance part was still very new.

It was such an amazing weekend, and I can say the moment in time when I knew I wanted to spend forever with him. We danced the night away at a 4H shindig, played darts under the moonlight and posed for a pic with Santa. We walked down mainstreet, shared a hug (and stole a kiss!) and took pictures I cherish. One word to describe that weekend - MAGIC.

Whenever I get down because of reality, I think back to that weekend. I remember the magic we created and vow to keep it alive. I love being in love, but more importantly, my sweet groom deserves to be honored and adored like in those days for all the days of his life.

I think it is time to plan a trip to Boerne...

And B is for Blog.

I am under no illusion that I am some famous person nor anyone special because I created this silly online journal. For some reason, I still believe that I am only person who reads it. Well, apparently not.

Here is the comment that came up for moderation today in response to a post I wrote last October.

"Scientists achievements will always going to be considered by some nut jobs as it was a gift from a invisible creature.

With technology becoming applicable in smaller scale, no wonder why it may look like magic to some people and how we got to this stage.
I always say, next time you get healed, dont thank god, then a doctor, thank a medical scientist, if you get cured from a new strain by new medication, thank a evolutionary biologist for finding new methods to fight mutated bacteria. We are living in times when as race we are doing great achievements but little contribution is made to those people that make it. Instead when people benefit from one of these achievements, they tend to phrase their invisible friend up in the sky.
Sorry if it looked intrusive ... but wanted to make this point for people who may be undermining science.
Thank you for your time.
Have a nice day."

It is with mixed emotions that I chose not to publish the comment. Obviously, that mix is why I am posting it here. My problem with the comment is this - it was posted by 19891989 - an anonymous person. Remember authenticity??? I take no issue with someone thinking I am a "nut job" because I believe in God. I am firm, and I mean firm, in my faith. But why make such statements then hide behind your computer? Is it because the commenter is firm in his/her beliefs? I doubt it.

So 19891989 - I have published your comment. You are welcome to disagree with me. I can take it - but if you are going to try to insult me for my faith, have a little faith in yourself.

A is for addicted

2011-06-12T20:58:00.004-05:00

I am low on energy and ideas. Every time I have a blog entry idea, I forget to write it down and then it is off into that deep black whole where my brain currently resides.

So, for now, I am going to use the alphabet to tell you a little about my life. Starting with the letter A. A is for addicted.

As I have been hinting at, I am recently coming to terms with my addiction to food. I have used every excuse in the book to rationalize my obesity, but the truth is, if it wasn't an addiction, I would be able to stop overeating and take care of my body. It has been a problem for many, many years. As a teenager, I struggled with bulimia, to the point of requiring hospitalization. Fortunately, I stopped the scarf and barf cycle, but unfortunately, I kept on scarfing. I know that sounds brutal, but addictions are brutal.

Every time I watch the show "Intervention" I want to yell at the addict to get control of themselves, to fight for the people they love, the people who love them. Sadly, I am not any better than a heroin addict. Obesity is proven to cause a whole list of related illnesses, but I keep on eating. I am risking my life and putting food above everything and everyone in my life.

A couple of weeks ago, a dear church family friend passed away at the tender age of 46 after two heart attacks. I am scared that if I don't start taking care of myself, I might have the same fate. Enough is enough.

I am back on the Weight Watchers wagon, and though I like Points better than their new PointsPlus, I am sticking to it. My parents are also giving it a try in addition to one of my BFFs. If you could pray for all of us, it would be appreciated.

Until the letter B....

Peace and blessings!

I feel...

2011-06-05T20:38:00.002-05:00

Everyday, I have random thoughts of things I could/should blog about. Being the "I" type that I am, a lot of my life is lived through my feelings. So why not just blog about them:-)

I feel:

Tired - Being a momma to three is so much harder than I thought. Some days. I am really good at it. Everyone is clean and fed. The house is clean, dinner is ready and Daddy is happy. BUT other times it is a comedy of errors. In the end, and overall, I am just plain tired.

Embarrassed - Sweet Madison, or Madi as she insists on being called, is hitting the terrible, terrible two's. I know it is normal. I know it is also a part of the intense personality God gave her. BUT she is out of control and I am completely embarrassed by her "twoness." I will be glad when this stage is over.

Happy - I am starting to make new friends at our church, and I am thrilled by the new friendships. I feel like I am connecting with some amazing women. The friendships seem open and honest, yet loving and tender all at the same time. It makes me happy.

Sad - It seems that I am noticing an overall unhappiness in my friends' marriages. A lot, and I mean a lot, of precious women have confided their discontentment with their marriages. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better. More than anything, I want to be a positive influence, a source of encouragement that we can thrive with our grooms.

Hopeful - As we near the end of our NVICP case, I have hope that Emily will receive the compensation she is entitled to. It is comforting to know that if something happens to me, Emily will be okay.

Frustrated - My struggles with my addiction to food and my weight are overwhelming at times. I want to be free of this, though I know that addictions are a lifelong struggle. I am back on the Weight Watchers wagon, and I would love your prayers and encouragement.

Inspired - I have several friends rockin' the net with their blogs. And they inspire me to take a few minutes a day to share my thoughts with whomever wants to take a few minutes to read them.

Selfish

2011-06-02T08:23:00.002-05:00

Last night I had a meltdown. I am not sure what brought it on, other than sheer exhaustion from little man having daily nursing marathons from midnight to 5 am. Nonetheless, I fell apart at my dear groom's expense. Never mind that he did all of the supper dishes AND bathed Madison as I sat nursing LJ on the couch for the 1,934,657th time yesterday. But, I fell apart anyways. My heart wasn't in the right place. I was feeling selfish and having an "all-about-me" moment.

I'm not the only one who does this, am I?

I'l say a little prayer - if you struggle with selfishness in your marriage too, just pray along with me.

Father God,

I adore you. You are the creator of heaven and earth, and the creator of me. You tell me in your word that you make everything glorious. I believe you, Father.

Please forgive me for my sins of selfishness against my husband. I know that you created marriage to make me holy not to make me happy. I am sorry for putting my needs above his.

Thank you for giving me a wonderful, servant leader for a husband. Thank you for giving me a husband who's heart is for you and adores me as you command.

Father, I need strength in my day-to-day life. I need energy to care for the children and still greet my groom with love and peace when he gets home everyday. I need help healing my self-esteem so that I can gracefully receive your love and my husband's love.

In the name of your son and my savior, Jesus, I pray.

Amen.

Who am I?

2011-05-29T08:45:00.003-05:00

One of my recent posts discusses how I am not who I once was. As I got to thinking, does who you are or who you are not say more about you? What should people know about who I am, or maybe more importantly, who I am not?

Well, here is my feeble attempt at answering these questions:

Who I am:

I am a child of God and believe that salvation and eternal life come through a relationship with Jesus Christ. I am flawed and struggle with sin. I believe that God loves me more than I could even imagine and wants me to have a life of holiness before happiness and sacrifice before self. I believe that this world is only temporary, where materialism will always fail me, and generosity by all means will bring me closer to the person He created me to be.

Who I am not:

A judgmental, condemning hater who believes that I am better than any other human being. I am not perfect, not even close to "right" or having all the answers. I am not going to ever take the chance of even guessing who may or may not spend eternity with me. I do not believe that people who live in glass houses should throw stones - sin is sin is sin.

Who I am:

I am a head-over-heals, happily-ever-after, hopelessly-in-love wife. I know, I know, pretty cheesy - cheesy enough that people have made fun of me for my marriage. But it is real for me, very very real. I dedicate every day to being the wife God wants me to be. I read books about marriage, pray daily to be my groom's dream bride, and I relish in things that others find as chores. When my heart is not right because he didn't do this or that, I remind myself how incredibly blessed I am to have a healthy husband who is alive, and a loving husband who is giving as much of himself to me as I am to him.

Who I am not:

The perfect wife. I am moody in the mornings and a hoarder of his time. I am selfish and do not want to share him with others. While I try hard to meet all of his needs, I often fall short in my random acts of kindness and sometimes get caught up in finishing the to-do list, when I should put it down and cuddle instead.

Who I am:

I am a mother. I adore my precious midgets. I am a silly, roll-on-the-floor, eat-Jell-o-with-your-hands, kind of momma. I value honesty, obedience, cleanliness and playfulness in my children. More than anything, I want their testimonies to be plain vanilla.

I am also slightly wounded as a mom. I desire to free myself of the guilt of Em's vaccine injury, but I can't seem to let it go. I struggle with the fear of her dying, to the point where is feels easier to expect it and be prepared. Sometimes I am more of a nurse manager than a mom and I mourn the woman she will never be and the years of struggle that are ahead.

Who I am not:

Worried about appearances or being Mrs. Cleaver or Carol Brady. I have no interest in being perceived as a mother who has it all together. I am not good at discipline - when I get mad or lose my temper, I yell. My mommy-mad-voice scares me sometimes:-( I am not the soccer-PTA-birthday-party-extra-tutor-too-busy-to-breathe mom. I am not afraid to spend the day in pajamas cuddling and laughing and loving my kiddos.

Who I am:

I am me - I am pretty and plump, simple and silly. I am addicted to food and struggle with my weight. I snore when I sleep and cry when something is very funny or very sad. I love to talk and I remember everything. I have absolutely no fashion sense and I love flip-flops. I think breast-feeding is awesome, and I am jealous of women who have had natural births. I hate vaccines. I hate alcohol and resent people who get drunk. I would have 20 children if my uterus would cooperate. I would rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I love my new house and double stroller. I am politically conservative and financially frugal. I would give the shirt of my back or my grocery money when my pantry is empty to help a friend in need.

Who I am not:

Apologetic for any of the above.

Facebook makes me judge you

2011-05-27T07:50:00.003-05:00

Now how's that for a loaded title!

I bet your thinking two things:

1) She actually admitted that?

2) And she is one to judge?

Yes, I actually admitted that. And two, I know I am certifiably insane. So go with me on this one.

Facebook is my circle of friends. Some I worship with, some I am family with, some I have just met along the way of life. But nonetheless, they are my circle of friends. This doesn't mean that I agree with everything that everyone in my circle does - just like a lot of people disagree with me. Let's face it, how many of you secretly think my position on vaccines is crazy?

But putting that new degree to use, I have a point. Authenticity.

I will take the opportunity to quote an Oprah show anytime I can. One of my faves of all time was when Maya Angelou told Oprah "When people show you who they are, believe them." Profound, huh? Think back to all the grief you could have saved yourself.

The second concept on authenticity comes from my favorite author and Christian communication scholar Dr. Quentin Schultze. Dr. Schultze says the following in Habits of the High-Tech Heart:

"[It is] saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Authenticity is fundamental to healthy human relationships in every area of life as well as one of the greatest characteristics of responsible communication. It requires us to know who we are, to present that known self to others, and to avoid persona-building activities."

Back to Facebook. People make posts that make me question (or judge) their authenticity. Examples:

*The friend who tells me in private of her struggling and failing marriage, but boasts of her wonderful and loving husband on Facebook.

*The Christian ministry leader who uses Facebook to publicly attack and humiliate another.

*Attention seeking behavior or gossip in the form of a prayer request.

And there are many more examples, but they are not the point of this post. The point is, let's change. Together let us all work at being more authentic. Let's focus on truthfulness, empathy and integrity with one another, the most important elements of authenticity as a virtue, according to Dr. Schultze.

Let's be truthful in how we present ourselves - after all, when we show one another who we are, we will believe it! If your marriage sucks and is falling apart at the seams, you don't have to post it on Facebook. But you don't have to post untruthful messages proclaiming that it is.

Have empathy - you must speak the truth in love; never use technology (i.e. Facebook) to hurt another human being. I can attest first hand what my post-partum moment of insanity did to my circle of life when I wrote how my Dad how ruined Christmas. It was truthful. But it made things worse, hurt other people, and actually caused me to lose relationships. One simple post "my dad ruined my Christmas."

I guess it is time I wrap this one up. Dr. Schultze says that [technology] does not necessarily improve human communication. But I believe it can. It is up to us and how we choose to use it.

With love always,

Jillian

What's in a name?

2011-05-18T13:32:00.002-05:00

On Sunday, our pastor began a new series called "Vitals" and taught us about baptism. It was a wonderful message. By far, my favorite part of the message was when he said that he wishes for all of our children to have "vanilla testimonies" - something I want so badly for my little ones.

I have several names - Jill, Jillian, Jillybean, Mommy, Hot-stuff (I love Frank's nickname for me!). People often ask me if I prefer Jill or Jillian. Well, let me tell you the story.

Growing up, my family always called me Jill. I didn't mined, well, except when "Jack & Jill" was riddled by the neighborhood bully. As most people know, my testimony was far from vanilla. But the day came when I accepted Christ as my Savior and in my heart, my soul and my being everything changed. That included my name. I saw "Jill" as the person I was, a person I no longer wanted to be. "Jillian" would be the new me. Sometimes, I cringe when I hear someone call me "Jill" because it reminds me of the days when I was a person I didn't like. I know I am forgiven, and I have forgiven myself.

The heart of the matter is that just as "Jill" is a part of "Jillian," that part of my life will always remain with me - a reminder of who I was, and the power of God to restore the broken.

The painful part is that family still calls me "Jill" and most see me that way too. It is hard for the to accept who I am today. I think my brother and sister-in-law struggle with it the most, but I pray that God can help them to get to know "Jillian."

So in closing, here is another song.

Brandon Heath, "I'm Not Who I Was"

5 months and counting

2011-05-16T14:16:00.002-05:00

Shhhhh.... The babies are sleeping. And momma is recovering from a root canal this morning, so taking it easy on the couch.

Today is May 16th. Not only is it Mama Hawk's birthday (my mostest wonderfulest friend Kim), but little man John is 5 months old. I know! Already!?!

So what has been going on with little man John? Here are the highlights:

Some babies eat to live and some live to eat. John is the latter, tipping the scales at 15 pounds. Most babies triple their weight in a year (as did my girls) but this porker is almost there. I can hardly believe we were fighting to put weight on him in the beginning. Though most mommas are starting some kind of solids at this point, John has no interest, nor do I think he is developmentally ready, so we are just going to follow his lead and stick to milk until he is ready.

He sleeps through the night! We put him down at 9 and he sleeps until 4. Then after a feeding, he goes back to sleep until 7. WONDERFUL! To bad big sis can't follow suit, huh?

He is rolling over both ways, grabbing at things, starting to sit unassisted for 1-2 minutes, and cooing and "talking" like crazy. Poor guy is gonna have to be a motor mouth to get a word in edge wise in this house!

He is also a super happy baby. Night and day difference from Madi. Actually, it makes me sad when I think about how bad Madi's reflux was and how much pain she was in. But I am thankful that John is healthy and happy.

I'll be sure to post some pictures once he wakes from his nap.

So all in all, I am incredibly blessed. Being a momma to 2 under 2 with an autistic 12 year old is hard, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy 5 months little man.

If He Wants Me To

2011-05-05T12:28:00.003-05:00

Here it is 12:30 and I am STILL in my jammies - not what I had on the calendar for today. But it makes me stop and think.

Back when Em was a baby, Ginny Owens was a popular Christian artist. I was working at Second Baptist at the time, and there was a big concert at the church. Before one of her songs, Ginny quoted James 1:2-4:

² Dear brothers and sisters,^[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. ³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. ⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

At the time, I had no idea how much this scripture would become a part of my life. You see, this concert was before Emily's injury. I thought "baby daddy" drama would be the worst of my struggles. Boy, was I wrong.

But whenever I go back to this scripture, I am struck with one part - "consider it an opportunity for joy." Joy? Joy??? But I don't feel joyous.

The truth is, there are days when I am far from joyous, especially when it comes to Emily. We received excellent news from our lawyer yesterday, but instead of feeling joy, I spent the evening pushing down the panic attacks.

And then this morning, starting the day with a sick and very grumpy Madi. Urgh, I need a break.

I am not sure what brought it to mind, but I thought of Ginny, this scripture and what she said that night at the concert. She said "it is not the trials that make us stronger, but what we choose to do with the trials."

I often get caught up in the fact that Emily was born "normal" and stew in the anger that this was done to her (ah, back to that guilt; maybe I need to read "The Shack" again). I don't know why, but my loving Father has called me to parent a special needs child, an that call is regardless of how those needs came about.

So, I take a deep breath, pour another cup of coffee (the first two went cold before I could even take a sip) and find joy in this journey. In closing, I am going to share one of Ginny's songs that brings me joy. I hope it brings you a little too.

Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To

101 in 1001 - Update

2011-05-04T09:21:00.006-05:00

Just when I think my life is dull and I am getting nothing accomplished other than changing diapers, I stop and take a look at the things I have accomplished. Wow - it has been a blessed year!

Accomplishing these goals, some small and others not so small, is a process of growth for me. Since my last update, here is what I have done:

10. Make a new friend Yes

- I just finished the best Bible study at our new church, First Colony Church of Christ and met the most wonderful women.

12. Not log onto Facebook for a whole week Yes

- I accomplished this during my Facebook fast in preparation for John's birth.

15. Take CPR certification Yes

- Unfortunately, this was a part of our NICU story, but nonetheless, I did it.

32. Finish my thesis Yes

- All I can say is YAY!

43. Get tubes tied Yes

- After having a third baby before 37 weeks, this last one being significantly premature, it is time to stop taking chances and count our blessings.

50. Have a baby - yes a third:-) Yes

- John Robert Moller 12/16/10

65. Start a Christmas tradition with the girls Yes

- We are now doing three gifts per child to represent the three wise men - one gift from each sibling and one from mom and dad. We will also do a "big" Santa gift.

66. Share Emily's story with members of the Texas legislature Yes

- I am moving forward with my advocacy for parental rights and informed consent. During the current legislative session, I fought to kill a bill mandating another vaccine in Texas and in the process shared Emily's story.

73. Paint and decorate Emily's new room and bathroom Yes

- It is a beautiful pool blue! We didn't paint the bathroom, but did decorate it with a cute teeny pattern.

75. Paint nursery Yes

- Since the babies will share a room when they are both sleeping through the night, we went with an organic theme and painted it sage green. I call it Simply Sage.

78. Have Thanksgiving in our new home Yes

- Lots of yummy food for this preggars momma. With preterm contractions causing grief, my momma, aunt and hubby really helped out. Hopefully, in a couple of years, I can do it all by myself.

79. Make a baby blanket for someone else Yes

- I made a blanket for my new nephew. It was a blessing for me, since I will most likely never get to meet him.

82. Pay for someone else's food behind me at the drive-thru Yes

- More than once - Frank and I love to do this.

86. Give someone money anonymously Yes

- I had so much fun with this one - but I can't give any details...

87. Donate 500 ounces of breast milk to the Austin Mother’s Milk Bank Yes

- Blew this one out of the water. Over 1000 ounces and still going!

90. Make dinner for a family just because Yes

- I love our wonderful neighbors across the street. Very long and personal story omitted, but I have been blessed to cook for Mrs. P.

It has been a busy year - a wonderful busy year.

Another month gone by.

2011-05-03T18:04:00.002-05:00

I came to update my 101 in 1001 list and realized that yet another month has gone by without a post. I have good reason this time! Including....

I FINISHED MY THESIS!!!

Yay!

Which means that I also finished grad school!

Another yay!

Add a trip to Michigan, toddler with roseola and momma with an abscessed tooth, and well, no posts. Wait, who am I kidding? I am horrible at posting.

And of course as I sit to write this post, I am bombarded by the oldest midget... at least you know that I finished the thesis.

Do you hear that????

2011-03-22T09:22:00.003-05:00

It's me - Jillian - *screaming*!

I just got my thesis final defense date - April 13th. Yep folks that is three weeks away.

I am not convinced that I am ready for that date, but I will have to do what it takes to be ready. That means some tough things for me. Letting the house go for three weeks - I can barely stand going to bed with dishes in the sink. Eating out a little more - not so great for my weight loss plan. Frank going to bed alone so I can work while this kids are sleeping - I already miss my groom so much.

But sacrifice - the word makes us cringe for a reason. It means giving up something that matters, usually for a pay off in the end. And the payoff is great.

For me, I will be the only child in my family to have a graduate degree. It means the perspective of having my dream job of teaching community college. It means providing for my family financially while keeping my little ones out of full time daycare.

Most importantly, it means I am not who I was. There was a day when I couldn't finish high school and here I am finishing graduate school. This change came from seeing who I am in Christ. Just like I love my children just the way they are, my Father loves me.

Okay, so if I can make it this far with His help, I can make it through the next three weeks with His help.

Do you hear that? I'm not screaming anymore:-)

Milk Banking

2011-03-21T11:23:00.003-05:00

So I haven't posted in three months and I start with a title like "Milk Banking!" The truth of the matter is that life is buzzing around me and I keep thinking of great post ideas but I never sit down to write a post. I actually don't sit down to do much of anything lately, but this is something I enjoy and gives me a few minutes of down time - we all know that a busy mom with two under two deserves a few minutes of that, right?

Today's topic - Milk Banking.

I think everyone knows my passion for breast feeding by now. My three top reasons why I support breast feeding:

1) We were designed by God to nourish our children at our breasts.

2) Breast milk gives every baby the BEST start in life.

3) Breast feeding provides health benefits for women.

But the realty is that 3 percent of women cannot breast feed. Some women choose not to, which is something that makes me sad, but I do respect. What makes me very sad is the 3 percent who cannot and want to.

Here is where Milk Banking comes in. Mommies, like me, who have some extra, share our milk by volunteering as milk donors.

First, a little about milk donation.

- After mothers contact the milk bank, they are rigorously screened, and must obtain physician approval and pass blood tests for infectious disease.

- Once approved as a donor, the milk is collected and pasteurized, similarly to how cow milk is pasteurized. Then after the milk is processed, it is sent to hospitals and given to sick and premature infants.

You can learn more about the process by visiting www.milkbank.org

Donors receive no compensation other than knowing that we are helping very sick and premature babies. For me, it is putting my passion into action. If I truly believe that ll babies should receive human milk, then I need to do my part to make that happen.

The Milk Bank is a wonderful organization and always in need of support through milk donation and monetary donation. They are available on Facebook as well, so be sure to "Like" my favorite charity.

Now off to more standing and busy work...

Our miracle

2010-12-23T15:56:00.003-06:00

Wow - it has been quite a week. We have so much to share. It is a little long.

On Wednesday, December 15, Frank and I rested in bed watching Zombieland and talking about how sure we were that our son would not be born until January. Imagine my surprise when I awoke to painful contractions at 5 o’clock Thursday morning. After an hour and a half of trying to sleep through them, I decided it was time to tell Frank. He immediately warmed a hot tub, poured me a glass of water and gave me my medications. After 15 minutes, her decided it was time to call our doctor. She heard me breathing through a contraction and sent us straight into labor and delivery.

When we arrived my contractions were about 4 minutes apart so doctors started shots of a medication to calm my uterus. You can have up to three shots. The first two didn’t work and the medicine was raising my heart rate too high to be able to have the third. I was given another medication to help relax me and then finally my third shot. The contractions spaced out and slowed down, but didn’t stop so my doctor determined it was time for John to be born. I begged for a chance to try to meditate and pray and see if the labor would stop, as I knew John was not ready to be born. During this wait time, I was given a rescue steroid to prepare his lungs to work outside the womb. Unfortunately, the medications wore off after 2 hours, and within 45 minutes they were 1-2 minutes apart. I was taken in for a repeat c-section, and at 4:23 pm, John Robert Moller was born into this world.

One of the first things we learned about premature babies was the concept of Days of Life. On the day of John’s birth, it was considered Day of Life 1, though he was just hours old. I will use this as I share our experiences of his first week of life.

Thursday January 16 – Day of Life 1

Immediately following John’s birth, his Apgar’s were excellent at 8 & 9 out of 10. However, within minutes, he started to experience signs of respiratory distress, and do something they call “grunting.” The Texas Children’s Hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) Team came to take John to the NICU – TCH is connected to St. Luke’s Hospital where John was born. After my surgery and recovery were complete and I was taken to my room, I received a phone call from the neonatologist. John was experiencing severe difficulty breathing. It was the news we were prepared for, but dreading all at the same time. The doctor said they were beginning a CPAP, or continuous positive airway pressure treatment, but that it was most likely that they would be intubating him and administering surfactant to open his lungs. He was being admitted to the most critical care unit of the NICU, Level 3. The doctors were also concerned because his chest X-ray was dense, so there was a possibility that he had pneumonia due to an infection in my uterus. This was later ruled out, but in the meantime he was started on antibiotics.

I was given a breast pump to make milk for our little guy. As we knew, breast milk is critical for the preemies. I couldn’t do much from my hospital bed to help my son, but I could begin to help my body make the food that would nourish him. Our journey had begun.

Friday January 17 – Day of Life 2

Day of Life begins at midnight, though John was only hours old. I was not able to see him yet, but I woke every few minutes waiting for 5 am when I could pass my tests to get my wheelchair ride to the NICU. It was the longest wait of my life.

Friday was a huge learning curve for us. My first sight of John was pure awe. I didn’t even see the tubes, IVs, monitors, etc. All I saw was his precious face. But the reality quickly set in, and I begin to cry for my sweet boy.

He had an IV in his arm, the CPAP machine on his face, and leads to monitors all over his body. Around dinnertime, he received a feeding tube to administer expressed breast milk. We were afraid that I would not have enough to feed him yet, but donor milk was available. Our first prayer was answered as my body quickly made enough milk to meet his needs. He began receiving 6cc’s every three hours through his feeding tube.

Not breast feeding was also a huge learning curve and I now have a new found respect for women who exclusively pump for their babies. Every two hours, around the clock, for 20 minutes at a time, I was attached to my electric pump. It didn’t take long to wear me out, but I knew how critical it was, so I strictly stuck to the schedule.

The worst part was when the nurse practitioner told us that John would be in the hospital until his due date. She explained the worst-case scenario of everything. I told her that we needed a different approach to our son’s care. We were going to be positive and expect the best, not the worst. After all, our son was relying on us to cheer him on. And our God was bigger than her medicine.

Saturday January 18 – Day of Life 3

On Saturday morning, we met our angel, Dr. Abrams. Dr. Abrams was positive, optimistic and ready to help John thrive. I was ready to begin skin-to-skin care and kangaroo care. ALL of the research on premature babies shows that holding them next to your skin/body improves their stats (heart rate, respirations, oxygen saturation) and calms them, allowing them to thrive. Dr. Abrams allowed us to begin kangaroo care and to begin breast-feeding.

First they had to remove the CPAP and see how he tolerated being on room air. He had some episodes of apnea and bradycardia (A’s & B’s) where he would drop his heart rate and oxygen saturation. Fortunately, he would recover on his own without stimulation so they did not start the CPAP again. Unfortunately, his IV came out and the only remaining spot was in his head. It was somewhat distressing for us, but as with everything, John took it in stride.

After the CPAP was successfully removed, I was able to put John to the breast to nurse. It was so precious – one of the most amazing moments of my life. He held onto my hand and gazed into my eyes. Pure love.

Sunday January 19 – Day of Life 4

During rounds on Sunday, Dr. Abrams continued to be impressed with John’s improvements and he continued to advocate for successful breastfeeding and aggressive movement to get home. John had his IV removed. His time at the breast was increased (we could nurse whenever he wanted) and he was moved from a warmer bed to a crib. He was put on the wait list to be transferred from Level 3 to Level 2 NICU.

This was a lot of progress, but it was a little stressful and tiring for him. Shortly after 5pm, he began to have long episodes of A’s & B’s. He needed stimulation to recover. The nurse practitioner was called and the transfer was cancelled. We also had to tube feed for a few feedings to give him a break. That night, one of our favorite nurses, Raquel, came on shift. She was so calm and John adored her. Frank and I settled in for some sleep and John went the entire shift without anymore A’s & B’s.

Monday January 20 – Day of Life 5

Sunday night, we only did every other breast feed and Raquel did the rest by bottle and tube using my milk. As we were preparing to return to the NICU after breakfast, we received a call from our pediatrician that John had severe jaundice and had been placed under the bilirubin lights and would be on them for at least 24 hours, but more than likely 2 -3 days. Monday was also the day that I was being discharged from the hospital. I think I cried for 8 hours straight. We were going back and forth from NICU to my room all day preparing for discharge and feeding John. I was getting exhausted and not sure how I was going to make it through.

Once again, God stepped in, and we were granted a room at the Ronald McDonald House. Let me add, that if you are looking for a charity to volunteer for or donate to, RMH is AMAZING. They provided us with a room to sleep and shower, and small meals and snacks for the two days we were without a hospital room. It was an incredible blessing.

John was transferred to Level 2, since jaundice was his only issue at that point and his care could be managed at the lower level. We were over the moon and again amazed with God’s mercy and blessings.

Tuesday January 21 – Day of Life 6

John was really starting to improve. I think Frank and me being there around the clock and the breastfeeding and kangaroo care helped him to thrive. His bilirubin had dropped to the level that they could take him off the bili lights; he had gained weight and was feeding well. His nurses felt he was ready to go home. Our pediatrician was not on call, and the covering pediatrician thought John was doing very well, but not ready to go home. I was so disappointed. I knew it was very early, but I was so tired, and I was desperately missing my girls.

I called my mom, who has been the most unselfish help, caring for our girls for an entire wee so we could be with John. She said she would bring the girls to see us. Oh, it was the best thing EVER. When I wrapped my arms around Emily, my cares melted away. Emily has handled everything very well, but she had some scary feelings and we felt it would be best if someone from Life Care could work with her. Basically, Life Care Specialist help children cope when they are going through difficult things at the hospital. They have helped Emily before during various tests and hospital stays.

After being checked for a fever, Emily was able to go see her brother and hold him for the first time. Let me tell you, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house as she began to sob and cry telling John how much she loved him.

Madi, on the other hand, was obviously angry with me. She was completely ignoring me and focusing on Frank. She is still a little put-off, but slowly coming around. Life Care said it was also compounded by the fact that it is very normal for children her developmental age to prefer the opposite sex parent. This has been hard on me, but she is happy so I am giving her the space she needs to come around.

For the remainder of the day, we were told to act like we were at home. We took care of all of John’s needs. We also had to take our CPR class, car seat class and a few other things on the discharge checklist, so that when John proved himself ready, we could go home.

Wednesday January 22 – Day of Life 7

In hospitals, doctors round VERY early, so at 7am, we were ready to see John’s pediatrician and prayed we would get the green light to go home. We would not be disappointed.

John had gained weight, was eating well and maintaining his temperature – all the things he needed to go home. His pediatrician used one word in medicine that you usually DON’T want to hear – remarkable. In medicine, it usually means that things are really bad and the doctors are impressed, in a bad way. But, in his opinion, remarkable, in John’s case, meant miracle. He said that babies just don’t do this well and we are incredibly blessed. We agree.

And John was discharged from the NICU after 1 week.

Where we stand today

Our first afternoon and evening at home went very well. At one point, all five of us were in our master bedroom, talking, playing, etc., and I realized that this is the way I always dreamed it would be.

We are closely monitoring John’s ins and outs, or how much he eats and goes potty. We are also doing daily weight checks – having a lactavist as a mom is coming in handy on this one!

We also have to be extremely cautious with germs. Unfortunately, we must tell you that we are not able to accept visitors for several weeks. We are in the throes of cold and flu season and because most people are contagious before they even have symptoms, it is a necessary evil. Please know that we understand that this sounds extreme, but because John is a preemie, any kind of respiratory illness could have fatal outcomes.

Many of you have contacted us about helping out. Our greatest need right now is prayers for John to continue his growth and development. We are also in need of meals. If you would like to help us out, please email or text Frank, and he will set you up with a day.

Again, we want to reiterate how much your prayers matter. We believe our doctor that this is a miracle. God heard our prayers, and they were answered with grace, mercy and love.

Many blessings to you during the season of faith hope and love.

HE is the reason for the season!

What a difference a day makes! Welcome baby John!

2010-12-18T22:53:00.003-06:00

And a day after the last post, John Robert Moller was welcomed into this world!

I jinxed myself on Wednesday night telling Frank how I thought we might make it all the way this time. I started having contractions during the night that were waking me, but I would fall back asleep between them not realizing they were getting close. At 5 am, I woke up in really bad pain in my back and groin. I climbed in the bath tub to see if the warm water would help, took my meds and Frank insisted we call the doc. She heard me breathing through a contraction and said to go to L&D. The whole time, we kept thinking they would get things stopped. We didn't even take our hospital bags!

Well, three shots of terbutaline, a shot of phenagren (sp?) and procardia dose later, still contracting, but they were milder and farther apart. OB said c-section time at noon. I asked if we could wait it out a little bit longer to see if they would completely go away while I mediated and tried deep relaxation. No luck and by 2:30 they were 1-2 minutes apart.

At that point, the resident called my OB and the nurse came back in with her surgical cap on - it was time. I got to kiss my girls and my mom, and they took me in.

They had a hard time with the spinal because of scoliosis, so I only got an epidural this time. But the pain relief was good for the surgery. My OB said the surgery went perfectly, though John was wedged in a very difficult position so they really had to tug to get him out.

His apgar's were 8 & 9, but soon afterward he started grunting, so he went to the Level 2 NICU. Within a couple of hours his respirations were very high so they started CPAP and antibiotics for a possible lung infection and he was transferred to the Level 3 NICU.

I was not able to see him the first night, but 12 hours following his birth, they took me to NICU. I have to say that it was very difficult for me. As y'all know, I am very emotional to begin with, so seeing him work so hard and not be able to fix it, was heart breaking.

Frank and I chose to focus on being control of what we could - our attitudes. We have decided to be positive, grateful and faithful. And with lots of prayers, we have not been disappointed.

This morning, an amazing and angelic neonatologist, Dr. Abrams, who is a leader in infant nutrition research, decided to take John off of CPAP, increase his breast milk tube feedings and allow him to breast feed. At 2:30 pm today, I was able to put my son to the breast for the first time, and it was the most amazing moment of my life. I am so completely in love.

Amazingly, I am making enough milk for 3 feedings every time I pump. And my milk isn't even in yet!

All in all, life is great. NICU is hard on many levels, but we feel so so blessed right now.

Please continue to pray for John, as he still has many obstacles to overcome before he comes home. We will update frequently with pictures very soon.

I was going to say...

2010-12-15T14:28:00.002-06:00

that I love days like today. How quickly things can change:-)

The Madster and I were enjoying a wonderful and relaxing morning. Just talking, playing, reading and having an overall great morning. Oh, and a long, long nap - for both of us.

After a fun lunch, meaning Mads ate her yogurt with her hands, it was time for a bath. Bath time is usually before bed, but this lunch demanded immediate clean up. While in the bath, we both got the surprise of our lives. Apparently, Mads tummy wasn't feeling so great, and well, we had an explosion. In spite of my pregnancy sensitive tummy, I scoped her out, wiped her down, put on a diaper, and went into clean up action with my Melaleauca germ killer in hand.

And she was happy, laughing, playing, drinking, all seems well. Though it has only been 2 and a half hours since her last nap, she went to her crib, said "ni-ni" (for night, night) and is back to sleep. Not sure if we are beginning a tummy bug (seems to be going around the whole country right now) or if it was a one time event. Although cleaning up hazardous waste at almost nine months pregnant is not my idea of a great day, it could be worse. I guess after all, I still love days like this.

I wonder...

2010-12-13T08:19:00.002-06:00

I wonder about Jesus... 34 weeks out of 40 - Remember the post about the number 40? Well, it has me thinking. Is this what it felt like for Jesus in the desert? Was he proud of the 34 days that had past, surviving on God alone? Was he anxiously waiting for the next 6 to be over with? Was he scared and joyful at the same time?

I am officially 34 weeks and 2 days. Only two more weeks, it it will officially be my longest pregnancy! I am scared about many things. When will it happen? Will he be ready? How will my girls be while I am in the hospital? HOW AM I GOING TO PARENT 2 UNDER 2?!?!

But I am overwhelmed with joy. This pregnancy has by far been much better than this last two - if you don't count the first 26 weeks of puking:-) Most mommas will hate me for this, but very little weight gain, no swelling, no major problems - none of the issues I had with Madi other than the Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, which is a pain issue. And I adore my husband. The thought of holding a little man we created out of love is at times more than I can bear.

I wonder about Mary... Many years ago, she was preparing for the birth of her own son- but a special son with a parenting burden much heavier than I can imagine. She must have been scared and excited at the same time. With the strength of God, she was waiting for her blessing following a time of trial. I only have to worry about raising my son to be a God loving and serving man who is good to his community, wife and family. Mary was giving birth and raising the Son of God to save the world. Wow! I have it pretty easy...

I wonder how much longer... 21 days down and 19 to go... until full term that is. Being a been there done that preggo gal, I can tell my body is in deep preparation for birth. The nesting instinct is crazy - kind of an adrenaline rush with anxiety of will-I-do-it all mixed in. Thank God Frank is used to it from last time, so he knows how to help and that the time is coming soon.

I truly believe that I will make it this time. Maybe not to my scheduled date of January 17th, but definitely to January 1st. It will be the first time one of my babies comes in the month of my due date - I pray at least.

And finally, I wonder how it will feel when I let it go... I am still reading The Shack. With school, parenting and pregnancy, I don't get to read as much as I want, but I am still digging in. More revelations. Here is the latest from The Shack:

"Has she forgiven me?" [Mack asked].

"Forgiven you for what?"

"I failed her," he whispered.

"It would be in her nature to forgive, if there was anything to forgive, which there is not."

"But I didn't stop him from taking her. He took her while I wasn't paying attention...." His voice trailed off.

"If you remember, you were saving your son. Only you in the entire universe believe that somehow you are to blame. Missy doesn't believe that, and neither does Nan or Papa. Perhaps

it is time to let that go - that lie. And Mackenzie, even if it was you had been to blame, her love is much stronger than your fault could ever be."

An we arrive at my pain. I blame myself. Everyday. With every pill, seizure, tantrum, illness, hospital confinement, diagnosis.... I blame myself. I feel like I failed my daughter. I didn't stop them from hurting her, despite the overwhelming warning from the Holy Spirit. God was telling me not to do it. He was telling me to trust Him, not man. He was telling me that they were using fear, which is not of Him. Why didn't I listen? Why didn't I stop them?

I need to let it go. It is a lie. I didn't hurt her. I love her.

I know she is angry and does blame me. I hope that her love is stronger too.

Until we meet again - many blessings to you during this holiday season.

31 days...

2010-12-01T15:42:00.003-06:00

Ugh... I can feel the itch and the burn. No - not that! I want to get on Facebook!!! Man, where is your mind? :-)

So things are progressing well. Time is going by very quickly. I cannot believe that December is here already. Just a few short weeks (6 weeks and 5 days to be exact) and my son will be born.

Today we had our final growth scan with the perinatologist (high risk doctor). He was so pleased with John's progress. He is weighing in at 4 pounds and 9 ounces, so he will probably be my biggest baby. He is VERY active. They could not even get a picture of his face during the past three scans because he is so busy. He likes to show off the parts that count, though. And John is still very much a boy.

John is currently in a breech position. I think it because he likes to be close to mommy's heart. All of his bits and pieces are perfect. We got to see his kidneys working and his liver - very interesting. According to the peri, we are in good shape. He gave us a long lecture about reporting to L&D immediately if I enter into a contraction pattern and told Frank he was going to kick his tail if he didn't take me in:-) Next, we see our OB in 2 weeks, and then on a weekly basis.

We also have an official birthday - January 17th! I think it is neat because Frank's b-day is February 17th. We were hoping for the 14th, but doc won't do a Friday c/section because she wants to check me out before I go home given the problems I had after Madi. My mom swears John will be here on December 26, but I am still shooting for a fully cooked turkey.

Surprisingly, the fast is working wonders. I have been very emotional as I work through some things, but God has been amazing to me. My uterus has also been very quiet. I love how much my Father loves me. Sometimes I wonder why, but I believe that He does.

"The Shack," The Fast and 38 days

2010-11-24T13:43:00.004-06:00

So much has been going on - this post in long over due. I will not be utilizing Facebook for the next few weeks, so if you want to know why..... keep reading!

A couple of years ago, I ran into an old drill team mate from high school. We were volunteering together at a church event. In the process of working and talking, she told me about a life changing book she read called "The Shack." It sounded interesting, and sometime ago, I picked up that little book with the intention of reading it. I started it several times, but never got very far. There was something about the Mack's, the main character, pain that touched a little too close to home. So for a while, it has been collecting dust.

Until recently.

With nothing unread remaining on the bookshelf, I reluctantly opened the cover while soaking in a warm bath. Something felt different this time - like God was calling me to read the book. A little background, without trying to give the book away (nothing you won't read on the cover). Mack's daughter had been murdered, and as anyone can imagine, he suffered tremendous pain. The first few chapters were inviting, well-written, creatively flowing. Then one night, while fighting off some contractions in another warm bath, I reached page 94. There in the second paragraph were the words of my heart written on paper.

"If you couldn't take care of [my daughter], how can I trust you to take care of me?"

I will not spend my time trying to make you understand what Emily's vaccine injury did to me, nor will I justify the weakness in my faith. Quite honestly, if you cannot respect my pain, I would rather not have you in my life anyways (besides, your judgement is your own spiritual issue!). I am so sick of people saying things like "well, at least she doesn't have cancer" or "at least she is alive." You know what the difference is? I did it to her. I allowed the doctors to inject her with toxins without asking questions, without doing research. I allowed myself to be controlled by fear, when the Holy Spirit was urging me not to vaccinate her. I was putting my faith in man and science, not in God.

With that being said, the day Emily had her reaction, a part of me died, leaving a hole in my heart like "The Great Sadness" Mack experienced. During this time, I have loved God and always believed in Jesus - that never changed. But my pain changed me and my role in that relationship.

I claim that I am sooo, sooo busy. In some ways I am. But I always find time for my friend Facebook. Now don't get me wrong - as a communications scholar, I believe in social networking as an appropriate media tool for many institutions. But as with all mediums, there are the downfalls. Bottom line, when you compare the time I spend on Facebook to the time I spend with God, what does it say about me?

What if I gave up Facebook for a little while to focus on my relationship with God? hmmmm...

A while back, I wrote a post about pregnancy and the Judeo-Christian significance of the number 40. Well, as luck would have, when I decided to fast from Facebook, I had 40 days until I reached full term with my current pregnancy. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but I have never carried a pregnancy to 37 weeks, and considering I am having a little boy (boys don't do as well as girls when born early) making it to full term is very important for me. Ideally, I'll go all the way to my due date, but I'll take every day I can get.

Now, this goal doesn't exempt me from the fact that the last several weeks of pregnancy aren't fun. I have two pregnancy complications that make the final weeks physically miserable. But even without them, pregnancy is just plain uncomfortable for some women. My flesh wants this over with. I want little man out of my belly! When you consider three pregnancies (including the miscarriage) in the past two years, my womb has been over-occupied! Stick a fork in my - I'M DONE! But.... John isn't done. And he needs me to be strong for him. Parenting, as I have already experienced, is very hard and sacrificial in many, many ways. Being a Godly parent means putting aside what I want for me and focusing on what God has planned for my children.

Which brings it all together. If I am going to make it the 40 days to full term, God will need to be my strength. I simply cannot do it alone. The physical pain, the fatigue, the fear - I need Him. But before I can lean on Him to get me through this, I need to trust Him, which means working through my pain from Emily's reaction. Instead of logging onto Facebook to play Frontierville, post silly status updates or fill my unoccupied time, I will spend that time in prayer or reading scripture, and maybe just plain crying.

Today is actually day number 3 of my Facebook fast. Officially, I am 31 weeks and 4 days, so I have 38 days until I reach full term, 51 days until the planned c-section, and 59 days until my due date.

101 in 1001 update

2010-10-12T22:05:00.002-05:00

It has been a while since I have updated the list, but I have indeed been working on it!

19. Read All books by Jodi Picoult (my favorite author) 5/18

Since starting this challenge, I have read "Handle with Care" and "Nineteen Minutes" bringing me to 5 out of 18 published books!

22. Increase vocabulary: learn 5 new words a week by keeping a log

Uh - NOT! I bombed this one BIG TIME!!! I should have planned ahead!

30. Forgive *someone* I am having trouble forgiving

So when I came up with this one, I had a certain person in mind. But in the process, God moved some things around.

In regards to the person it was intended for, I realized that I did not need to focus on forgiving that person, but rather myself. You see, that person has a track record for being rather, well, rude. I am not the only person who has had problems with him/her. LONG story short, but I allowed this person back into my life and allowed him/her to sabotage it again in attempts to bring glory to himself/herself. Bottom line I needed to forgive me for letting it happen. This person is self-absorbed, self-righteous and quite possibly clinically narcissistic. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

54. Date night OUT 12 times in three years 2/12

Two surprise date nights out. Dinner for two, no kids! So far so good.

60. Update blog 2 times a month 2/4

Not quite there, but showing some improvement. 50% isn't bad, so I am not throwing in the towel yet!

61. Try 5 new dinner recipes 1/5

Chicken Parmesan - all I can say is YUMMY!

82. Pay for someone else's food behind me at the drive-thru

This one is actually a little different, but still qualifies:-) On date night #2, hubby and I sat across from another young couple with precious 7 month old twins. We chatted a bit, as I adored their little ones. At the end of our meal, we asked the manager to pay their check. It was so much fun and we hope it blessed them!

89. Give a 100% tip

On date night #1, our waitress was a young and very pregnant girl named Brittany. As we struck up conversation with her, she reminded me of myself when I was regnant with Emily. Young, scared and doing everything possible, including working long hours on my feet, to make a life for my unborn baby.

As we left cash to pay our $35 check, we left an additional $35 for Brittany. We didn't get to see her find her tip, but nonetheless, I cried as we walked to the car. We prayed for her and asked God to honor her decision to carry her baby. Her due date has passed - if you think of her, say a little prayer.

Well, I guess that is all folks! Until next time...

The 40 week wait

2010-10-10T20:08:00.003-05:00

Last summer, while in our last trimester with Madison, Frank and I took the most wonderful birthing class called First Birth. It is a ministry dedicated to teaching childbirth from a Christian perspective. Being the daughter of a birth master, a lot of the physical information was a replay for me, but the Biblical perspective was all new.

So here, I find myself pregnant again (praise God!). I am now in week 25 of a 40 week pregnancy. Last time, I felt awful - physically and emotionally. I was always worried and every time I went to the doctor, something seemed to be going wrong. Anemia, heart problems, pre-term contractions... and on and on and on.

By 34 weeks, I was so ready for it to be over. I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted the time of waiting to end.

This time, things are so different. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, this baby factory is closed after little John is born. NO MORE!!! Coming from a family of three, three is the perfect number for me. Four sounds like a litter... crazy, I know, but soon our family will be complete.

With 14 weeks to go (I will be delivered at 39 weeks via c-section due to two previous c-sections), I don't want it to end this time. Never again, will I feel a little one move inside of me. Never again will my husband look at me in awe as a grow a life we created together. Never again will I enjoy the miracle God has allowed me to endure.

But pregnancy is hard - super hard! And it has me thinking...

Jesus was led into the desert to be tempted by the devil without food or water for 40 days (Matthew 4:1-11). Let's go back to the number 40. A time period of 40 whether days, weeks, months or years, is a time of trial or probation - a time where we are tested. At the end of the test comes a blessing. So is it just a coincidence that pregnancy is forty weeks? Not for women of faith.

Of Jesus' 40 days of fasting, which were the easiest? I wonder if it was the middle, like the second trimester of pregnancy. I wonder if the first few days (like weeks of pregnancy) are full of I-can-do-this thoughts, followed by several days of sickness? I wonder if the final days, again like weeks of pregnancy, were painful, excruciatingly painful, with thoughts of wonder if it will ever end, longing for it just to be over?

Me, Christ-like? Nope, not yet, but sure as heck working on it. What I want more than anything is to grow closer to God over the next 14 weeks. I want to rely on Him when the pain is more than I can bear. I want to rely on Him when the devil tempts me with thoughts of ungratefulness. I want to rely on Him.

This blessing is worth the 40 week wait.

The Vaccine Court

2010-10-08T13:10:00.004-05:00

We got some hopeful news today regarding Emily's case with the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program. I don't talk much about our case, mostly because the whole program is a joke. Let me give a brief background.

Emily was normal. On July 6, 2000, she received multiple vaccinations after being declared developmentally advanced by her pediatrician. Within hours, she began having high pitched screaming, fever and seizure activity. Her pediatricians told us to give her Tylenol and Motrin and she would get better. She didn't get better. Her acute reaction lasted for several days. Once she began to resume normal activities such as eating, sitting and walking, it became apparent that something was terribly wrong. She was then diagnosed as having a severe reaction to the pertussis vaccine.

Emily did not recover. She was no longer talking, began having extreme illnesses, sensory issues and a multitude of other health concerns and disabilities. We were referred to multiple specialist over the next 2.5 years. God finally brought us to Dr. James Wheless, who ran the appropriate tests to determine that Emily had endured Vaccine Induced Encephalopathy, resulting in her current conditions of Epilepsy, Abnormal Brain Scans and Global Learning Delays, later diagnosed as PDD-NOS. At his recommendation, we filed a petition with the US Court of Federal Claims and their Vaccine Injury Program.

In order to protect vaccine manufacturers, each vaccine given includes a tax that goes into the "fund" and supposedly, when a person is injured or killed from a vaccine, the "fund" is to pay damages to the person (not family) for medical costs and lost wages. It is supposedly a non-adversarial program created to save pharmaceuticals the costs of lawsuits so they can continue to make more vaccines. Sounds good, right?

WRONG! It is the most un-American joke of a program ever, resulting in my complete loss of faith in our country's judicial system and compassion for children, but I'll save that rant for another post.

It is set up differently than any other US Court system, and surprisingly, Constitutional Law does not apply. Hmmmmm..... Anyhow, we are the petitioners, the Department of Justice is the respondent, and then there is a Special Master who is paid by the government but supposed to remain partial (of course, they are not).

When you file a claim, you say you were injured or killed by a vaccine. The government either agrees or disagrees - funny though - they ALWAYS disagree. Then they have to prove (called burden of proof) what happened to you, since they say what you say happened didn't happen. Are you following me?

Here is our history:

2003 - We filed our petition.

2004 - We were told we were going to settlement. Something went wrong and the government changed their minds.

2005 - Our trial. 15 hours of witness testimony. The government's attorney emotionally raped me on the stand. She was allowed to badger me, harass me, attack me (and my friends and family) for 15 hours.

The following outcome was declared (court ruling): Emily was normal when she was born and up to the day she had her 15 month shots. Our testimony would not be considered because we did not remember correctly. Again, this program is far from legally or Constitutionally accurate. They make up their own rules.

2005 - 2010 - The government presented numerous theories as to what "really" happened to Emily. All we thrown out because they claimed that she was not normal at birth and/or prior to her shots. These finding could not be used because a previous Special Master had determined that Emily was normal at birth and/or prior to her birth based on her medical records.

Where we are today:

Remember the 2005 ruling? Well, our attorney tried to have it thrown out, but the Special Master refused. Now, after 5 years of the government's failed attempts to explain other causes that do not involve a pre-existing condition, the Special Master has determined that she has no other choice but to find in our favor.

And now, here is where we stand. The government has 30 days to say if they are going to fight the Special Master's ruling. If they choose to, then they have another 30 days to produce another cause for Emily's injuries.

Our attorney thinks that it is more likely than not, that after 7.5 years, they are going to give up their fight and we move to damages.

Now don't get too excited. Damages can take another 2 years.

The whole point of this is to give Emily her Purple Heart. Vaccine injuries are considered casualties of war in the fight against disease. Most people look at it as a necessary evil. But that doesn't give us much comfort when she is violently seizing during the night, or so overcome by her brain injuries that she begs God to take her life and spare her anymore pain. This is a way of saying "sorry" to Emily, even though those words will never make it better.

The damages will not make anyone rich. Frank and I will never see a penny, so there is no monetary gain from our perspective. They will cover the costs of her seizure medication, doctors appointments, tests, surgeries, hospitalizations, home health care, etc. If Emily does happen to outlive Frank and me, it will also see that she does not become a ward of the state.

There are a lot of prayers needed. The obvious, for quick justice. But also lots of prayers for the government employees. They are paid to fight against families who have already been through so much - trust me, no one would go through this court system unless they had already been to hell and back, because this court is a one-way ticket to hell. They hurt children and they still sleep at night. Pray for God to break their hearts - to do whatever it takes to see the Truth.

As always - thanks for reading.

God gave us the technology

2010-10-06T22:21:00.003-05:00

One of my no-vax Facebook friends recently posted a quote that deeply touched me. Of course, I cannot find it now:-) Anyhow, it was something along the lines of "We haven't lost faith. We transferred it from God to medicine." Or something close to that.

It really got me thinking. After the past 10 years fighting for Emily due to a medical technology that almost cost her life, and two pregnancies back to back, I have learned a lot of faith in man and medicine.

A lot of people use the argument that God created science, therefore He created the medicine and we should use it. People argue that He gave us the technology, as well, to better ourselves.

But, I don't agree. I don't agree at all. God gave us many things. It is not using them that makes us wise, it is how we chose to use it. How are we being stewards of Christ in the choices we make?

First and foremost, was the technology created to further the Kingdom, or to further someone's wallet, or to further someone's reputation....? Did the person who created the technology even have faith in God? Hard questions...

A couple of examples:

Abortion - it is scientific technology. God gave us the technology to perform abortions? Does this technology make for a better life? Who decides?

Breast feeding - Most of you know, I am hard core pro-breast feeding. God gave women breasts - He created breast feeding. Jesus was nursed at Mary's breasts. The Bible speaks continually of it. Yet, through science, we have formula. So are we good stewards of Christ if we choose formula because it is available? If it is icky, or disgusting, then God made a mistake?

Vaccines - in a fallen world we have disease. And this world evolved and progressed for thousands of years without vaccines. In theory, preventing death is a good thing, but where does it stop? Why are we vaccinating our daughters in early puberty for a sexually transmitted disease instead of teaching them of purity and abstinence? I'll stop here on this one...

Other things God gave us... alcohol, marijuana, cigarettes... what about these technologies?

Why do we get to pick and choose?

Here is my point: medical technology can be wonderful. I have no doubt that without an emergency c-section, I would have died during childbirth with Emily. I am so thankful for the technology that saved both of our lives.

But what are the motives? When we make a medical choice, where are we putting our faith? In man or in God?

We are having a...

2010-09-16T17:12:00.004-05:00

Boy!

Last week, at our level 2 ultrasound, we found out that the little bean in the belly is a boy! Two Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialists said that 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt, there is a little man growing inside of me!

Shock... I am still in shock. After having two beautiful girls, I am thrilled to add a little testosterone to our clan. Frank is very excited about bonding with a son. Guns, cars, fishing... all the classic male bonding activities.

Now finding a name for this little man may prove to be more difficult.

I am very pleased that this pregnancy is cruising along without the complications I had with Madi. I have had a lot of tummy troubles, but nothing unbearable, just annoying.

Our sweet girls are doing well. Emily started public school for the first time. She loves her language arts/social studies teacher and seems to be making lots of friends. I got to have lunch with her during the first week and found the other children in her class to be precious. There are a few stinkers, but Emily seems to be making good choices where friendships are concerned.

Getting adjusted to her special education needs has been more frustrating for me. Of course, as her primary advocate, I have to fight to get her needs met. The school has been somewhat adversarial, but thanks to the wonderful doctors we have, most of it should be sorted out during the next ARD. Ultimately, I had to realize that it doesn't matter if her teachers/school staff likes me - I could care less. What matters it making sure that my girl has the best life possible. God help the person who gets in the way of that.

Madison is also doing very well. It is amazing how well the human body works when you don't mess with it. As most people know, we were advised to not vaccinate Madison because of the severity of Emily's reaction and because to date no doctor can predict a vaccine reaction. Surprisingly, Madi has been the picture of health with no vaccines at all. Em had all of them and stayed sick from 6 months to 7 years.

Anyhow, I digress. Madison has a strong personality. She keeps me laughing all day! She also protests with the best of them. I had never heard of the terrible twos at one year old, but trust me it happens - that girl sure can throw a tantrum. Like mother, like daughter, I guess. Oh and she LOVES her big sister. She walks around the house pointing at pictures saying "Emy" all day. Her favorite time of day is when we pick Emily up from school.

My goal for next week is to get some pictures of the house, then I will post some - of course along with some pics of the girls too.

Peace and love to all!

#50 - Moller Party of 5

2010-08-11T20:19:00.003-05:00

So I am working away on the 1001 list - really I am:-)

And the newest accomplishment: #50 - Have a baby!

Well, I said working on it. That's right folks, baby number 3 will be joining the Mad Mollers sometime late December, early January. My due date is technically 1/22/10, but both the girls were delivered at 36 weeks, so we are not expecting that I will go that long.

How did this happen? So soon? You may be full of questions - we were!

Apparently, it is quit common to conceive naturally following IVF. For me, we suspect that the pregnancy put me into remission from my severe adenomysis (a rare form of endometriosis embedded within the uterine walls). The timing is perfect as we are ready to wrap up the reproductive stage of our lives - after all, daddy Frank is approaching the big 4-0 and wants to have the kids out of college before he retires!

So far everything is coasting along smoothly. I have had bad morning sickness (still) but none of the other problems present with my last pregnancy. My uterus is already getting a bit cranky, so it is likely that I will be on meds for preterm labor again, but that was the easy part.

It has been a long day and this momma is tired. I will post some pics from Mads first birthday soon. And I'll keep working on this blog thing....

Say goodbye, say hello

2010-07-11T20:05:00.003-05:00

Howdy partners!

Time to check some things off the list!

Let's start with #71 - Close on Richmond house.

A few hours after posting my list, Frank, the girls and I went to close on our new home. It was quick, it was painless and it was wonderful to receive the keys to my dream home. That evening, we made our first trip with a truck and trailer full of boxes and checked on the painters who were adding a personal touch to the builder beige walls. I couldn't wait to move in:-)

Bright and early Sunday morning, the movers arrived at the Katy house and the real work started. We used Three Men Movers and they were AWESOME! Quick, professional and very hard working. After about 6 hours, it was time to start unpacking... that's another goal to discuss.

With each day, we settle in a little more. It is already home sweet home and I feel so blessed for my husband's hard work that made it all possible.

#70 - Close on Katy house

With a couple of tears, we said goodbye to our house in Katy. It was definitely harder for Frank than for me. I always saw it as his house and was jealous of the memories he had made with his first wife, but we did have some wonderful memories together there. Our first date, getting engaged, bringing Madi home from the hospital.'

The last week dealing with the Katy house was a pure nightmare. It was just plain awful The inspector gave a thorough but very scary inspection. He made the house look like it was falling apart, though his impression was that it was a great home. In the end, we had to shuck out some money to fix a few things, but the deal finally went through on Tuesday 6/29.

When it comes to buying and selling, I have to admit that it wouldn't have been possible without our wonderful agent, Dawn Guthrie with U R Home Real Estate. She was a joy to work with and so patient with us. I highly recommend her if you are in the market to buy or sell.

#72 - Have all boxes unpacked within 30 days of closing

Yup, it's done! I worked my tail off, but it is done. Frank worked super hard with all of the physical stuff and I did my part by unpacking the boxes and putting everything away. We also got rid of a lot of things in the process.

All in all, this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done and one of the best at the same time. There were a lot of bumps in the road, but it was certainly worth it.

Well, I have some other things in process, so you will be hearing from me soon:-)

101 in 1001

2010-06-25T10:49:00.005-05:00

A few months ago, one of my BFFs started something called 101 in 1001. Basically, it is setting 101 goals to accomplish in 1001 days. I was immediately inspired and started my list. Unfortunately, with the move and some other happenings, I got a little busy and never started. Well - today is day 1 and here it goes.

My plan is to post as I complete each goal. Some of them will happen quickly and others will take all three years.

Here is my list (in no particular order):

Personal enrichment:

1. Go wine tasting at a vineyard

2. Watch every movie of the year since 1980

3. take a guitar lesson

4. Go to a professional sports game

5. Go to at 5 fine art events (symphony, ballet, theatre, etc....)

6. Go to the Nutcracker Market (never been)

7. Start and complete a devotional book on my own

8. Get a job teaching at the college level

9. Read a book by someone that I disagree with

10. Make a new friend

11. Invite a non-family member to church and have them attend

12. Not log onto Facebook for a whole week

13. Apply for Ph.D. programs

14. Obtain concealed weapons permit

15. Take CPR certification

16. Apply to MENSA

17. Take a ballroom dancing class

18. Have an appointment with a wardrobe consultant

19. Read All books by Jodi Picoult (my favorite author) 5/18

20. Watch all movies with Julia Roberts (my favorite actress)

21. Take an algebra class

22. Increase vocabulary: learn 5 new words a week by keeping a log

23. Learn conversational Spanish

24. Get an article published

25. Attend an NCA conference

26. Establish daily quiet time routine

27. Write 5 letters to important people in my life to let them know how much I love them

28. Read 5 books from the list of “100 books that should be read before you die”

29. Learn how to knit

30. Forgive *someone* I am having trouble forgiving

31. Change the oil on my car by myself

32. Finish my thesis

33. Read the Bible (beginning to end)

34. Watch all Star Wars and Indiana Jones movies (I have never watched any!)

35. Lead a Bible Study

36. Have a media free week (no tv, internet or cell phone)

Health:

37. Lose at least 50 pounds

38. Be able to run (not walk) a mile

39. No fast food for one month

40. Enter and complete a 5K

41. Whiten teeth

42. Lasik eye

43. Get tubes tied

44. Exercise 3 times a week for 30 min each for 3 months

45. Make a first aid kit

46. Drink a glass of milk - and not puke;-)

47. Give up sodas - no sodas for 182 consecutive days of 1001 days

48. Take a yoga class

For Frank:

49. Ride the motorcycle with Frank

50. Have a baby - yes a third:-)

51. Take a random road trip

52. Order wedding pictures - I know, I know, it has been 5 years already.

53. Make coffee for Frank every weekday morning for a week

54. Date night OUT 12 times in three years 2/12

55. Have boudair photos taken

Family related:

56. Have a family picnic at a park

57. Take a cake decorating class with Emily

58. Get a new tattoo (puzzle piece for Emily)

59. Finish the Moller Manual

60. Update blog 2 times a month 2/36

61. Try 5 new dinner recipes 1/5

62. Take the girls to Space Center Houston

63. Take the girls to the Blue Bell Creamery

64. Start a weekly game night

65. Start a Christmas tradition with the girls

66. Share Emily's story with members of the Texas legislature

New house:

67. Host a dinner party in my new house

68. Plant a garden

69. Plant a tree for Christian, our angel baby

70. Close on Katy house

71. Close on Richmond house

72. Have all boxes unpacked within 30 days of closing

73. Paint and decorate Emily's new room and bathroom

74. Paint master bedroom

75. Paint nursery

76. Purchase new dining room furniture

77. Organize and host a block party in our new house

78. Have Thanksgiving in our new home

Giving tree:

79. Make a baby blanket for someone else

80. Compliment a stranger

81. Leave an inspirational note in a library book for a stranger to find

82. Pay for someone else's food behind me at the drive-thru

83. Give 10 people random gifts over the 1001 days

84. Donate $5 for every unmet goal. (101/101)

85. Volunteer at a homeless shelter

86. Give someone money anonymously

87. Donate 500 ounces of breast milk to the Austin Mother’s Milk Bank

88. Give a one hundred dollar tip

89. Give a 100% tip

90. Make dinner for a family just because

91. Babysit for a friend and pay for her to get a pedicure

92. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity

93. Inspire someone else to make this list and help them with one of theirs

Friendships:

94. See Dara 4 times a year

95. Start a playgroup

96. Read a book ‘with’ a friend and discuss it after

97. Have a girlfriends slumber party

98. Join a Bunco group

Just because:

99. Get my eyebrows threaded

100. Sing karaoke

101. By something from a TV ad

Changes for the Mollers

2010-03-31T22:50:00.003-05:00

Well, I guessed you noticed... I haven't been posting. And yes, there is a reason. Life has been a little crazy.

Shortly after my last post, to our surprise (and I am sure the surprise of our infertility doctor) we were thrilled to find out that we were expecting another Moller. Unfortunately, our joy was short lived and at almost 7 weeks, my pregnancy ended in miscarriage. It has been almost two months, but it is still so hard to write those words. I deeply miss our sweet baby.

I just haven't had the words, or been ready to share. So many of you of have been so kind and gracious. We thank you for your prayers, support and patience. I am slowly emerging from my shell:-)

We also decided to help a family from our old church by homeschooling their 11 year old daughter. She is a precious joy, a very sweet child. Emily enjoys having a buddy, but it has also put pressure on her to develop some of her lacking social skills. It has required some adjustments to our lifestyle, but we are glad to help a child in need. I stay very busy and VERY tired. She will be with us until June 2 when the school year ends.

Emily has had some increasing problems with her anxiety and aggression related to her Autism Spectrum Disorder and Epilepsy. After seeking advice from her medical team, we decided that medication was necessary to help her through these tough times. We also decided that getting her into a public school with more services was in her best interest. Being that our local public school isn't the best, we decided to embark on another change... we are moving!!!

It has actually been a blessing. We found my dream house - I say my because it only has a 2 1/2 car garage and of course Frank's dream house includes at least a 4 car garage:-) We are building, so our current home is on the market and we are patiently waiting for the next steps. I can't wait to post pictures!

Little Madi is growing like a weed. She has two teeth, is crawling, pulling up and starting to stand independently. Her personality is also starting to come out. She is such a doll. I am cherishing every moment with our sweet girl.

I am also wrapping up my master's degree. I am in my last class and then will complete my thesis. After some drama revolving around that (long story!) I decided to take the advice of my advisors and start from scratch. I am completing a study on parental communication behaviors and adolescent sexual decision making. I am also looking at Ph.D. programs and hope to begin doctoral work in the near future.

Hmmm... let's see. Anything else? I think that is it. So as you can see, a lot is going on.

But God is still so good.

Week 3 Challenge - The language of love

2010-01-24T19:18:00.004-06:00

Last week was one of those weeks - the post just didn't happen. But it did give me time to think about the next challenge for you:-)

As an undergraduate, I soaked in all of my communication classes like a sponge. When taking classes for my major, I read each textbook word for word, constantly looking forward to what was coming next. I remember once hearing that we only remember 20% of what we learn in formal education settings - I am not sure if I completely agree, but if it is the case the following theory is one that stuck with me forever.

The Social Exchange Theory basically states that relationships work like cycles of cost benefit ratios. When you are in an interpersonal relationship (meaning one on one) the other person has needs to be met, and you have needs to be met. When you work to meet the other person's needs, they are more likely to meet your needs, which makes them more likely to meet your needs, and on and on. The theory has economic, sociological and psychological connections, but in my case, I learned about it in relation to interpersonal communication. If you open the wiki link, read more about Mark Knapp - his work has been influential to my studies.

A few years later, while in premarital counseling, I found out about Gary Chapman's book Love Language. The 5 love languages explain how we individually feel or perceive love. I highly recommend that you get and read the book if you have not already done so.

Knowing Frank's love language and mine has been instrumental in the success of our marriage. Not only can I show my love to him in a way that he perceives it, I can also tell him how I need to feel loved by him.

The biggest obstacle I face when sharing this tip with friends is that when marriages are struggling, no one wants to give in. "why should I work so hard to make him feel loved when he won't do it for me?" Here is the tough love answer - God called you to love him and show him (or her). Scripture says taken from The Center for Relationship Enrichment:

Loving Your Spouse

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Matthew 7:12
Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

I Peter 4:8
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.

John 13:14,15
And since I, the Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other's feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.

Galatians 6:9
So don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.

John 13:34
So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.

Romans 12:9,10
Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

Romans 12:20,21
Instead, do what the Scriptures say: "If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you." Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good.

If you struggle with finding the heart to start the love cycle, read this article. It provides a wonderful biblical perspective.

Week 3 Challenge:

Take the Love Language Quiz and have your spouse take it as well.

Once you have identified your spouses love language, do something daily to show him/her that you love them according to their love language.

Ideas?

Physical Touch - greet your spouse with a big hug and passionate kiss when he/she comes home from work.

Words of affirmation - using a post-it, leave a special note on the steering wheel of his/her car to find when they leave for work.

Quality time - put the kids to bed early, turn off the TV, and settle in for a card game.

Receiving gifts - get his/her favorite candy and leave on the pillow for a little surprise.

Acts of service - breakfast in bed:-)

Be encouraged - this week's challenge will transform your life.

In Him,

Jillian

Week 2 Challenge - Hindsight is 20/20

2010-01-10T00:31:00.006-06:00

This is not the original post I had planned for this week, but obviously God had other plans, so brace yourself for some intense reading:-)

Conflict is never positive. Differing opinions can lend to innovation, but conflict usually lends itself to pain. With God, however, it can lead to change.

I had some conflict this week. Well, it actually started a couple of weeks ago. I normally don't stand up for myself, keep things inside and harbor negative feelings, but I wanted to face it head on to prevent that from happening. I thought the conflict had been addressed and things were just fine, but then I got dumped on Facebook - getting "kicked off" the friend list. Needless to say, the other party did not receive my feelings well and chose to end our friendship.

Originally, I turned to my Bible and after reading some Proverbs I felt peace about the separation. God was telling me He could handle it, if I would let go and give it to Him.

When I teach communication courses, one thing I stress is that you cannot control how others perceive you. They are influenced by their life experiences, good and bad and those are things beyond your control. That was how I looked at it. I didn't (don't) believe that this person really knows my heart or the response to my addressing the issue would have been different.

I have an "I" type personality (from the DISC personality theory). A part of this personality type includes a core fear of rejection. Of course Satan saw this as the perfect opportunity to creep in. After hearing from another party that things were being said about me, my fear grew into shear anger.

After a couple of days, the fear was out of control and against my better judgement and my husband's advice (more on that in coming weeks!) I chose to selfishly try to stomp out the fear and take the situation back from God - although we all know that in reality, I kept one finger on it when I gave it to Him. Things imploded. On top of stress from problems with Emily this week, I was overcome with emotion. Even poor Madi was showing signs of feeling my tension. It wasn't long before my anger was turning into shear hatred.

I tried to focus on getting Emily's home school curriculum together. We are using a Christian curriculum with some parts on the computer. As I set up my teacher screen, I chose the option for having the "Daily Bible Verse" widget on my homepage. Today's scripture was 1 John 2:9-11.

⁹ If anyone claims, “I am living in the light,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is still living in darkness. ¹⁰ Anyone who loves another brother or sister is living in the light and does not cause others to stumble. ¹¹ But anyone who hates another brother or sister is still living and walking in darkness. Such a person does not know the way to go, having been blinded by the darkness.

OUCH!!!

Talk about conviction.

What did I do?

Fall to my knees and ask for forgiveness from God, thanking Him for opening my eyes. Then I prayed to forgive the others involved.

Though the situation is very fresh and more healing is needed in my heart, I have chosen a path to glorify God.

I don't think anyone will say that the conflict was positive - and I am partly to blame because I also chose to sin in the conflict.

Ultimately, I have no control over what has been said or what will be said about me. I allowed my fears to overshadow my faith. If I stand in God's word, it shouldn't matter because He knows my heart. I should not fear rejection from man when I have salvation from Christ.

Week 2 Challenge

Has there been recent conflict in your life? With your spouse, a co-worker, neighbor, friend?

Take a look back at the situation.

What role did you have in the conflict?

What mistakes did you make or sins did you commit?

What can you change in your life to grow with God and glorify Him?

Ask God to forgive you and pray to forgive the others involved. And ask Him to show you how you can grow and change from the experience.

Peace and blessings (and warm wishes during coooold weather!)

Jillian

Week 1 Challenge - Not-So-Random Acts of Kindness

2010-01-03T15:25:00.003-06:00

I am a people pleaser. I like to let people go in front of me in a long line at the store, help a struggling mom get her stroller into the mall, go out of my way to make sure service employees know how much I appreciate them. Sounds really good, huh?

The catch is that I am much slower to show such grace to the people who are "stuck" with me, like my family, husband and children. Sometimes, I think it is because they love me and won't leave - a.k.a taking them for granted. Sometimes, it seems like the old saying "you hurt the ones you love the most."

A few months ago, I was struck by this irony. Why don't I go out of my way to do random acts of kindness for the people I love the most? I began to take notes of things that people in my family loved (gifts, as well as acts of service). Frank loves it when he wakes up to already brewed coffee. Emily likes little notes in her lunch box or on her computer.

I decided that I needed to make it a point to show an act of kindness that requires me to go out of my way for someone I love once a week. Surprisingly, I have grown to look forward to these little blessings, and I know you will too!

Week 1 Challenge:

Make a list of the people in your life whom you hold most dear to your heart. Then think of something you can do to express your gratitude. It can be as simple or detailed as you desire.

Choose two people on your list.

Perform your Not-So-Random Act of Kindness.

In Him,

Jillian

2010 Challenge

2010-01-03T15:17:00.003-06:00

Greetings dear friends and family,

As we have all figured by now, I am not so great about keeping the blog updated. I think it is because my day to day life is pretty simple - not much to share:-)

But God has laid something new on my heart. I have been praying about it for a few weeks.

You see, many of my friends are struggling right now - marriage woes, financial troubles, infertility pain, just to name a few. With all of the emails and phone calls I receive, I find myself asking the same question over and over - "Why are they seeking out my advice?"

In some ways, I know it is because I can offer a kind heart free of judgement. God has truly blessed me with the ability to see and love my friends as they really are. No need to be fake here - I will love you the same if your life is a wreck as if it was "perfect."

On the other hand, God has brought me through the valley of struggles so many I love a stuck in. I can offer my advice because I have been there.

So that is the new "purpose" of this blog. Each week will offer a challenge intended to help you in your daily life, marriage, finances and friendships. As with any advice, take it or leave it - it truly is up to you. I desperately want the ones I love to have the happiness and joy I have right now - which comes from none other than Christ. Surely, I will occasionally update with news of the Moller clan, but for now the focus is to share some of the things that have worked for me.

So get on board, enjoy the ride and may God bless you in 2010!

Lifeguard

2009-12-23T09:49:00.002-06:00

It has been a while:-) With it being so long, this might seem like a weird post, but I feel the need for some cathartic writing. I actually am going to start something new and special for the new year with the blog, so make sure you check back!

Emily has her first petsitting job - she has been over the moon thrilled. I have been a little nervous about how my big girl would do, but she has certainly surprised me. She has picked up poo, cleaned out litter boxes and cleaned up pee. All with no complaints.

So on the way to her new job, she requested that we listen to her dad's Toby Mac CD. Well, let me back up a little. A couple of weeks ago, Emily told me that she wanted to listen to the "rock" station (104.1) in my car. I explained to her that I listen to Christian music in my car, but she can listen to what she wants on her MP3 or her room as long as the music is deemed appropriate by her dad and I.

So back to this morning. We are on our way to the house where we are petsitting, listening to Toby Mac - and it hit me; and I started to cry.

My little girl is growing up.

For the past 9 1/2 years, since Emily got sick, I have been her protector, always fighting to keep her head above water. When you have a child with a chronic illness, you are always on standby for emergencies. Plenty of ER visits, hospital stays, testing, and not to mention therapy (speech, physical and occupational) have kept me in constant mommy motion. There have been times where my vigilance saved her life, like the time she had a strep throat infection that entered her intestinal lining landing her in critical condition fighting for her life. We were initially sent home from the hospital, but went back 12 hours later where I had to fight with the charge nurse who sent us to the waiting room. If it wouldn't have been my yelling and demands, they would have never discovered Emily's blood sugar was at 46 - a level that nearly put her into a coma. We could have lost her that Christmas.

So I kept fighting. And God kept His promise of getting us through some very dark years.

A couple of years ago, she started to get better. Fewer ER visits, infections were less frequent and not so intense. We found a seizure medicine that worked and didn't cause loss of appetite. At her 7 yea checkup, Emily weighed 37 pounds. At her 10 year check up, she weighed 62! She learned how to read, excelled in a mainstream classroom. Things kept getting better.

Are things perfect? No. Is Emily completely healed? No. Unfortunately, the parts of her brain that were injured will never "grow back." But I no longer live with a black cloud of death hanging over our home.

Let me bring it all together. I remember being her age when music became a very important part of my life. I remember spending countless hours listening to my cassettes. I was taking an interest in music that was different from what my parents liked.

As an adult with 2 degrees (almost!) in communications including studies in mass media and family & culture, I know what Emily is experiencing is a normal part of adolescence. I know from my undergraduate class and "Pop Music and Culture" that every teenager goes through this. It is normal! My sweet Emily is doing something that is normal for her age - this is something that hasn't happened since before Emily got sick.

My role as her mother is changing. It is time for me to become the guide on the side. It is time to me to trust God and the foundation we have provided for Emily. It is time for me to step back and allow her to become a young lady. It is time for me to be a lifeguard.

When a child learns to swim, a parent starts off by holding them while they splash and discover the world around them. Then at some point, you let go, but stay in the water to pull them up if they start to struggle. And then you get out of the pool. You have your whistle and your life-saving device - even the most experienced swimmers are told to never swim alone. The lifeguard is there when there is trouble; to remind us to get out of the water when dangerous storms approach; to remind us that you need to walk and not run (life will pass you by if you try to run through it!); and to pull us out of the water if we find ourselves in a rough current.

As hard as it is for me to do this, it is time for me to get out of the water. I have spent so many years holding on to me sweet girl, to keep her from drowning due to circumstances beyond all of our control. But it is times for me to get out of the water and let God get in.

Father God,

I give her to you. You have held us so close and gotten us through days when we all were sinking. I will never understand why you trust me so much with one of your very precious children, but I thank you for seeing in me what I never could.

Thank you for the miracles that have occurred in her life. Thank you for helping her overcome what so many doctors said was impossible.

I know we will still face rough waters. I promise to continue to keep her in a bible based church, teaching her about you and encouraging her in her walk. I also promise to let go and let you lead her into becoming the woman you made her to be.

In Jesus' holy name,

Jillian

Welcome Baby Madi!

2009-09-03T10:48:00.003-05:00

On July 22, 2009 at 2:06 in the morning, we welcomed Madison Hope Moller into our wonderful world!

JULY 22! Yup....I'm a little behind on posting.

It all began on July 21, at 1:30am. I woke up with terrible nausea and intestinal cramping. I thought "great, the stomach bug at 9 months pregnant..." Then I realized the intestinal cramps with on and off with frequency. I scooted to the laptop to google "early labor symptoms" and sure enough, some women have flu like symptoms. I went to tell Frank that something might be happening, then per the birth coach's instructions, settled to get some sleep when the nausea supsided around 5am.

At 9am I woke up feeling miserable. My back was hurting so bad, the nausea was back and I was contracting. I called my dear old mom and she said to call the doc. I decided to try a hot bath and fluids to see if I could settle my uterus down. I was still only 36 weeks and wanted Madison to have a little more time in the coooker.

But it didn't work.

I knew it was early labor, though. After talking with my nurse, she said it was hospital time. I called Frank and told him to come home, but not to rush and I got everything together. In my heart, I knew that she was coming - it felt different than the other trips to the hospital. I timed my contractions. At 1pm they were 5 minutes apart. I could still talk through them, but they were getting stronger and boy did my back hurt.

We got to the hospital and got settled in a bed around 4pm. They checked my cervix and no surprise, 0 dialation; just like with Emily. I was contracting pretty strong on the monitor and really uncomfortable. But for some reason, I thought the resident was sending me home (Frank thought so to). Sooooo, we told my mom to go home and told my dad we would be picking Emily up soon.

Then somewhere around 5-6pm, the contractions changed. It was time for work. No more talking, joking. It was time to work the labor. We were good students and did just as our birth coach taught us. Gravity prone positions for 45 minutes at a time.

Sometime after 7, Dr. D showed up. She took one look at me and knew it was baby day. I was in a steady contraction patter (every 2 minutes) and they were lasting 1 minute. Yup...it was painful. Dr. D checked my cervix and again, no change. I was "very soft...very very soft" but no dialation. Time to come up with a plan.

Dr. D knew that a vaginal delivery was my heart's desire but was concerned because we had a long way to go and I wazs already so tired. She wanted me to sleep some and try to regroup so we (me, hubby, mom and doc) decided that some pain meds were the best plan. Plus, if it was "false labor" then the meds would slow it down. I could get some sleep and get ready for more serious work during transition.

Pain meds in, contractions acutally got more consistent and stronger. No sleep.

After they wore off, it was time to walk the halls. By this time, it was 11pm. Still contracting every 2 minutes. We walked and walked and walked.

At 12:30, the nurse checked my cervix, and wouldn't you know it...no change. It was time for new plans.

I had promised God that I would listen. If at any point, I knew that it wasn't going to happen vaginally, I wold listen to Him. My uterus was contracting, but I wazsn't dilating, just like with Emily. But Madi was okay, not in any distress. However, the one thing I was desperate to avoid was an EMERGENCY c-section, like with Em.

Frank and I talked and prayed. We knew it was time. The nurse called Dr. D and we started to prep for the c-section.

At 2:06 am, Dr. D pulled my little piece of heaven into this world. Her first words were "She is so chunky and fiesty!" YAY!!! Mature lungs were working well. Praise God!

My first words were "There was really a baby in there?" That's infertility talking!

The surgery was uneventful other than my extreme nausea and vomiting. But some good meds settled it down and I got to nurse Madi on the OR table. Frank was holding his princess and I noticed her rooting. I asked the doc if it was okay and she said to go for it, so with daddy's help, together we nursed our baby for the first time. One of the most precious moments of my life.

The next 6 weeks are a blur!?>!?>!?>!?> Just kidding!

Life with a newborn is...well, life with a newborn. Little sleep, lots of laundry. But no complaints. Madi has some mild reflux and colic, but is responding very well to chiro care. Even on our worst days when she is screaming for hours, I can't help but to thank God for my precious baby. Screaming, popping, puking....I'll take it all. I am just so thankful to be a mommy again.

And for Frank...you guessed it. World's Best Dad! Of course, we all know this because of how he is with Emily. But the surprising part is how natural it is for him. He was made to be a daddy. And being a birth father to Madi as opposed to an adoptive father to Emily is no different, according to Frank. He said Emily will always be his first love and baby girl. What an awesome man!

I could go on for days, but I have to cook lunch at some point...plus this post is long enough.
Here are some pictures:

Save the Date...August 7th is Baby Day

2009-07-11T11:21:00.004-05:00

That's right, we have a birthday. Friday August 7th, time to be determined.

Huh? - you may ask. Well a lot has happened over the past couple of weeks. I have a lot to catch everyone up on. Honestly, this has been a rough week, and I just didn't want to tell the story one more time. If you are getting the news this way, we are sorry, but like I said, it has been a rough week.

Things have been looking up. I have been feeling pretty good after getting over the little virus I had. I have been hanging out with friends, crafting, keeping Emily busy and enjoying the last weeks of feeling Madi move inside of me.

Last Sunday (July 5th), we had a family get together. Actually, it was a blast. I love spending time with my brother's family and Aunt Sue. We ate and laughed and shared life together. Gosh, I have to tell you how awesome my little nephew Daniel is. I love all of my nieces and nephews, but he just pulls at my heart strings. God has great plans for him to change the world.

Anyhow, I started feeling very dizzy and had to skip dinner and lay down. I felt a few contractions and thought maybe I had gotten overheated. But it passed.

On Monday, my feet turned into sausages - they were so swollen! I never had swelling with Em. I checked my blood pressure and it was up a *little*.

On Tuesday, I woke up with a really bad headache. My pressure was still a *little* higher. But something didn't feel right. My OB (the only doctor in the world I like or trust - and the best OB in Houston, BTW!) told me to call anytime I felt like I needed to see her, so I did.

On the way to her office (Frank came home from work and picked me up, thank God), I started to have some contractions. By the time we got there, they were uncomfortable and frequent.

Then Tanya, my nurse, checked my vitals, including Madi's heart rate. I knew there was a problem. She left the room and returned with the fetal monitor and hooked me up to monitor her heart and my contractions. She left and returned with the doctor.

I was definitely contracting and very worried about Madi. It seemed like everything started happening so fast. My doc checked me for dilation and my cervix was still long and closed - no labor just very cranky uterus. But she wanted to have the high risk doc check Madi's heart.

I had seen the high risk doc twice, so I knew what to expect about his personality. But he was a true jerk this time. Anyhow, he found that Madi is having something called PACs which are basically heart palpitations.

Now you can understand how much we had to take in and why this week has been so hard!

What does all of this mean? Well, I am taking a stronger medicine to stop the contractions. I will stay on it until next Sunday. Then, if I go into labor, Madi will come. As for her heart, PACs are considered benign and for most babies they go away after birth. There can be some problems or complications, but for now, we are choosing to be positive.

After the chaos of the day, we sat down with the doc. After lots of discussion, the decision was made the a vaginal birth was not best at this point. Given the multiple problems we have faced, getting her here safe is most important. I have been praying for God to make it all clear to me - what I should do. I think that he made it clear. A long labor will not be good for Madi if there is something more going on with her heart. I am not willing to take that chance.

If I do not go into labor before August 7th, Madi will be delivered via c-section that morning. Three weeks and six days to go!

47 days and counting

2009-06-24T10:38:00.006-05:00

I always have the best of intentions of keeping the blog updated....maybe someday my actions will catch up with my desires!

Get ready for another marathon post.

Jon & Kate Plus 8:

I cannot believe I am about to write a blog post about a TV show, but gosh it has been so heavy on my heart. I have to admit, I have not been a fan of Kate Gosselin. I have always hated the way she treats her husband.

My perspective, influenced by the Bible and by my degree in interpersonal communication, is that a husband longs for his wife to be his biggest fan. He wants/desires the Biblical submission from his bride. Even more so, as women, we should all strive to be the Proverbs 31 woman. It seems like too much, too impossible to reach, but with God all things are possible.

I had no idea my husband knew of the "big announcement" to be made on the show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Monday night. But as he led our family in prayer before dinner, he asked God to protect the Gosselin family and to have the outcome that would glorify the Lord. As we watched the show, we spoke of our marriage and what we could do to be a better spouse to one another.

During one part of the episode, my heart sank. Kate said that above anything else, her children were the most important thing in the world to her. How sad, I cried out! What about God?!?! What about your husband?!?! I wanted to shout at her through the TV!!!

In the end, the announcement was made that they have filed for divorce. Frank and I felt such a deep sadness for a family we don't even know. The saddest part for me occurred during the last few minutes of the show. As the family was boarding their large van together on what would be their last holiday as a family, Jon Gosselin held his umbrella high in the sky to protect his wife from any rain drops as she climbed into the van. I knew that he was not a man who hated his wife. Over the years, with her bickering and bossing, directing and leading, and refusal to submit to her husband, she had broken him. There stood a man who was broken.

After a horrible day yesterday (details to come!), I needed some tender time with my husband last night. As we cuddled in bed watching a movie, he told me how no matter what we would be together forever. He said that Jesus would be our center and with that, even during the rough times in life, we would never fall apart.

Frank - if you happen to read this, even though I tell you every chance I get, I love you. I cannot believe God gave me the best man in the world. I am your biggest fan and you are my hero. Thank you for being the husband God created you to be. You make my job easy:-)

Week 32 - Baby Madison is almost here!

I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'll just start from where I left off last.

On Saturday 6/13, we had our baby shower. It was so awesome. I loved being able to have the most important people in my life in one room together to celebrate and welcome Madison. We got some precious clothes and needed baby gear items. The food was delicious and Tasha, from Freckles Fotography, took some AWESOME photos! Here is one of me and Em:

The next day, Frank and I went and wiped out the registry. I have been seriously nesting and wanted to have everything ready. And since I ended up having only one shower, there was no reason to wait. It took a few days, but everything is tucked away and ready to go. Frank has one more thing to hang up on the walls (the most important!) and then I can take pictures and post.

We poked through the week with nothing eventful happening. Then on Saturday morning, I woke up feeling bad. I felt sick, like I was coming down with something. Around lunch time, I started to have some back pain that was radiating around to my belly. They were definitely contractions. We called off our plans for the rest of the day and I took my meds to settle my uterus down. After a nap, I woke up feeling worse. I was still having some cramping. We checked my blood pressure and it was very high, so off to labor and delivery we went.

In a nutshell, my temperature and heart rate were high, but everything else looked okay. They did an EKG which checked out okay and sent us home. I continued to feel bad on Sunday and Monday, but hung in there. Yesterday was my scheduled follow up with the hematologist. Surprise, surprise, there was no change in my iron levels. The PA prepared me for what would most likely be the course of action, but I lucked out. I had a FEVER and an elevated heart rate!!! Again!!! So she called my OB right away and sent me down the road for an emergency appointment.

Have I mentioned how much I hate doctors? I hate doctors and hospitals and doctor's offices and sick people....

But I got lucky with Dr. Dryden. She is the only doctor I have ever truly trusted or believed. We went through all of the blood work and tests, she did a thorough exam, and she checked the baby. The results are that I do have some kind of virus. Sleep, fluids, vitamin C are all I need to get us back on track.

Emily and I ended up spending 6 hours in doctor's offices yesterday. No fun..too much stress. Ultimately, I have to increase my iron to stay on top of the anemia. And I have a virus, but the baby is okay.

I told Dr. D that I wanted to feel better. 8 more weeks is a long time to feel like this. And she shared the good news - a virus won't last 8 weeks and we actually only have 7 more weeks. So unless I develop pre-eclampsia again or Madi decides to come early, she will be here by August 10.

I can do 47 more days:-)

Here is a new belly pic in my lovely maternity bathing suit:

Week 30

2009-06-11T01:03:00.002-05:00

We made it to 30 weeks! YAY!!! And trust me...I can feel all 30.

We saw the hematologist last week. They tested my levels as soon as I got there, and my iron had gone from 9.3 to 9.7 after 5 days of high doses of iron by mouth. Basically, the doctor informed me of how serious my anemia was and if I couldn't tolerate the pills, then I had no choice, for the life and development of the baby, to have iron infusions. I go back on 6/23 and we shall see how much more my levels have gone up! I am definitely thinking positively.

We also started our birthing class. I can't remember if I mentioned that already?!?! I have a bad case of pregnancy brain (and insomnia which is why I am writing this post at 1am). Anyhow, the classes are awesome. I really wish more women would embrace God's design of the birth process, which by the way doesn't always mean intervention free. I can already feel my marriage growing through the daily Bible studies together and I am finally surrendering my fears and birth experience with Emily to Him.

My shower is this weekend. I am really excited to see my friends and family. Emily is soooooo excited too. It is going to be a packed house. I cannot even imagine how we will fit everyone. I am sure some people did not call with their regret, so maybe it won't be too crazy.

The nursery is oh so close to being done. We should be able to wrap it up after the shower. There are a few more necessities to get, but soon enough the room will be ready and we will be bringing our little miracle home.

I'll update net week after our 31 week appointment!

Sugar, good....Iron, bad

2009-06-01T17:38:00.003-05:00

Last Tuesday, I was so anxious to get the results of my blood sugar test, I put a call into my OB nurse to find out the results. Good news! I passed with great numbers - not even close to borderline. But just as I started to get excited, my nurse said she had some bad news.

My iron levels (hemoglobin and hematocrit) had continue to drop to dangerous levels. My OB ordered me to begin IV infusions and see a hematologist/oncologist. Tomorrow at 3pm, I will see the hematologist to find out what is wrong.

I wish I could articulate my feelings right now, but the truth is, I just can't. I am terrified, angry, sad - you name it. It seems like everything that can go wrong has gone wrong with this pregnancy. Never in a million years did I imagine that something could go wrong that would put my life at risk.

In the mean time, I am taking oral iron tablets which have me feeling awful. I actually feel worse from the pills than I did from the anemia. I have officially started a countdown until Madison comes. Emily helped me make a paper chain to give us a visual of how much longer. On Wednesday, I will be discussing revisiting the birth plan and consider a repeat c-section at 39 weeks (making her birthday August 10). With me feeling as awful and sick as I am, I just cannot imagine that I am going to have the strength to endure a long birth.

If you don't mind, just keep us in your prayers. God knows we can use them.

Welcome to the third trimester!

2009-05-21T18:22:00.008-05:00

Goodness - it is so hard to believe how fast time is flying. Some days I am so tired of being pregnant, and then others, I want it to slow down!

Just a couple of updates.

We saw the cardiologist on the 7th. I am wearing a heart monitor for the arrythmias until June 5th. I thought I was just having palpatations, but the symptoms are a little too close to the heart condition my father has to not warrant some tests. The echocardiagram went fine and the doctor was not concerned, so neither are we!

We saw the OB today and everything looks good. I am still contracting, but my cervix is not dialating which is excellent news. My weight gain is perfect (5 lbs so far!) so hopefully I can keep it up and not gain much more other than what Maddie is gaining. With me being a chunkster, it really is best for both of us if I don't gain more than 15 pounds, and I am conident that I can stick to that. Oh, and I took my diabetes test today, so I should find out soon whether or not I passed. Again, I am not worried - I had no blood sugar problems with my first pregnancy.

We are almost done with Maddie's room. The carpet is being put in tomorrow and then the baby shower is on June 13th. That will give me enough time to get everything put into place before the princess arrives.

Here is the newest belly pic. I still have a deep belly button that causes a weird looking belly, but nonetheless, it is growing bigger each day!

High Risk Doctor

2009-05-06T18:36:00.002-05:00

We saw the perinatologist today and everything went very well. It took almost two hours, but he finally got the right picture of Madison's heart and it looks great.

She is quite the little mover and shaker. She barely sat in one spot for more than a few minutes. I think she is going to be super active like her daddy. It was so neat to watch Frank stare at the ultrasound in amazement. Her growth is also progressing very well and she is already 2 pounds!!!! It looks like she is going to be bigger than Emily was.

Dr. C also agreed that being off work was the most important thing for me right now. Reducing stress and activity are the two best things to stop contractions. He also thought that having a vaginal birth after Cesarean (or VBAC) was a good idea, as long as Dr. D knew when to draw the line, which we are very confident she does. The plan for know is to proceed with a vaginal birth plan until 39 weeks. If at 39 weeks I am not dilating, then we will have a scheduled c-section. In the end, having a healthy Maddie is what is most important.

With love,
J

It's about time!!!

2009-05-05T14:22:00.007-05:00

Well, long time no post...I know, I know...I should wait so long. Well, now that I am officially a stay-at-home-mom, I should have a little more time.

Maybe I should update you, one week at a time.

Week 18 - On March 18, we had our anatomy scan with our perinatologist, and found out that we are having a healthy and beautiful baby girl! Frank wanted a little "Maddie" so we settled on Madison for the first name and Hope for the middle name.

Weeks 19-22 - Nothing much - just cooking a baby. Oh, well, my iron levels came back pretty low, so iron pills were ordered to control the symptoms of anemia. And all that time, I thought the exhaustion was just from being pregnant.

Week 23 - Uh oh...contractions started to get worse. I had been feeling them for a few weeks, but on Wednesday 4/23, they started coming every 10 minutes. Frank and I went to Labor and Delivery. After a few hours of monitoring and some medication to calm the contractions, I went home. My anxiety levels were off the chart.

Week 24 - I returned to the OB to follow up from the L&D visit. We made the decision that stopping work was the best thing for me and the baby. So my last day of work was 4/27.

Week 25 - Being off work and on bedrest has helped the contractions A LOT!!! I thought they were mostly due to stress, but there is definitely a connection between being on my feet and the strength and frequency of the contractions. For now, I spend at least half the day in bed catching up on reading, movies, sewing, etc.

Tomorrow we see the high risk doctor, then on Thursday we will see the OB and cardiologist - the anemia has caused me to have some heart palpitations, so the OB wants us to see the heart doctor to be on the safe side, given my family history of significant heart problems.

Frank has been working his little tail off on the nursery. It is coming out soooo cute! He still has to finish the trim work and have the carpet installed. We got all of our nursery furniture from Craig's List. The crib and changing table are beautiful (and we got a smokin' deal) and the glider is super comfortable. I'll post some pics after it's done, though it won't be set up until after the shower on June 13.

Here is a recent belly pic taken at 23 weeks (Frank needs to take one tonight!):

It is finally Spring Break!

2009-03-15T17:22:00.003-05:00

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

That pretty much sums up my feelings for the arrival of a much anticipated break. Emily called my parents last week to see if she could spend the weekend with them, so we started the break off with some peace and quiet. Since Emily didn't want a birthday party this year (she wanted something small with a couple of close friends), it also gave them a chance to celebrate with her. Once I get pictures from my mom, I'll add them. I forgot to take my morning sickness medicine Friday night, so my first official day of Spring Break started in the bathroom. But Frank helped me get through it and the rest of the day went well.

For those of you reading from far away, the weather has been the pits for the past few days. It went from the 70's to the 40's with yucky rain. We went and looked at baby furniture on Saturday, but we haven't settled on anything just yet. We also went to church and had an at home date night with cheap pizza and a couple of movies. Overall, the first day went well.

We have some fun things scheduled for the week. On Monday, Emily and I are going to hit the zoo with a friend. I got her a zoo membership as one of her birthday presents, and with a last minute change in plans, Monday works best. Monday night, the three of us are going to dinner with some new and fab friends. A friend from work who also experienced the heartache of infertility has become a staple in my life. We have both been through the ups and downs this year. She is just such a special person and Frank and her husband have A LOT in common, so we enjoy spending time with them. Oh and for those of you who know me well, she is giving me some much needed cooking lessons!

On Tuesday, we are going to meet Dara, Lilly and the baby at Chuck E. Cheese. The girls can tear it up while Dara and I catch up. I still haven't met Evelyn, so I am thrilled and can't wait to hold her.

Wednesday morning is the big ultrasound at the perinatologist. Hopefully, the little one will cooperate and give us a good shot of the parts so we will know for sure if it is a boy or a girl. Then, after we go home and take a nap, we will be off to the rodeo, or "radio" as Emily calls it. She loves to see all of the animals. We love to see her have a good time.

On Thursday, we will have Emily's birthday party. We are going to see a movie, then come back to the house for pizza, cake and ice cream. A couple of her close friends are coming and then will spend the night. All three are amazing girls - they are so sweet and compliant, so I am not worried.

Friday? Sleep, sleep and more sleep.

So that is the plan. We shall see how it goes!

Peace,
Jillian

It is about time!!!

2009-03-10T18:20:00.011-05:00

I never imagined time would fly by like it has. It has been over a month since my last post. I know a lot of you are up to date on the craziness we have been through. We purposely did not post a lot of things as not to worry some of you reading from far away. So brace yourself for a major marathon post!

1) Unfortunately, the past four weeks have been very rocky. At 12 weeks, I experienced my first bleeding episode. Then 1 week later it happened again. I was diagnosed with a minor placenta previa and a threatened miscarrage. We were told to pray for the best, but to be prepared for the worst. During the wait for our next ultrasound, we continued to thank God for our blessing and put our faith in His truth. Looking back we feel like it was our Job test.

At our fifteen week ultrasound, things seemed to be improving. The placenta was on the move and considered low lying instead of a previa, and it appeared that most of the cysts had resolved. And we got to see our precious baby, who looks like a girl, but not guarantees, yet! Here is a picture of our angel.

But, it didn't end there. Last Tuesday, during TAKS testing, I started to have pain in my left side. I thought that maybe standing on my feet for 5 hours straight (in the wrong shoes!) was taking its toll. I got home from work and tried to rest, but the pain just got worse. I tried a hot bath, some Tylenol and some sleep, but was awakened at 3am with intense pain.

After getting a hold of the doctor, Frank took me to the hospital. In the end, it was determined that an ovarian cyst ruptured (as I had suspected) with a kidney stone and possible bladder infection.

My doctor also put me on a new regimine for the nausea & vomiting - the morning sickness has yet to subside. I have some good days, but at 17+ weeks, I am still a few pounds below where I started.

So after some antibiotics and medicine for the vomiting, I am starting to feel a lot better. On Saturday, I ate a real breakfast for the first time in months. We see the doctor again tomorrow and the perinatologist (high risk doctor) next week for a serious ultrasound.

I also have to give my mom a BIG thank you for giving us a doppler to use at home so we can hear the baby's heartbeat every night. It has been such a comfort through our trials.

2) There really is a baby in there. Here is my first "belly shot" at 17 weeks. I don't feel like I have grown much since I was so swollen from the IVF, but after seeing this picture, I can say that there is definitely something growing in there.

3) Shameless Mommy plug. This year Emily competed in her first history fair. We are so proud of her. It was a lot of work - for the whole family:-)

The best part was when we were preparing for the judging and she started to tell us about how Thomas Jefferson was like Abraham & Moses because he led people for the kingdom of God. I just about passed out! Even through the pre-teen (tween) drama, she is getting "it." Below is a picture of her project board.

Inquiring minds want to know...

2009-02-05T10:02:00.002-06:00

Where I have been!?!

Well, the excitement of the pregnancy continues. We had a little problem last weekend and I ended up on bed rest. Apprently, my placenta is covering my cervix - which is okay for now, but it needs to move. So soldiers, start praying! If it doesn't move, I will be extremely high risk and could spend a good portion of the pregnancy on hospital bedrest. But we are praying and that is NOT going to happen.

My ovaries are still behaving badly. I had another cyst rupture and there is still a lot of free fluid in my belly. Also, the cysts that were supposed to go away after the IVF never did.

But with that being said, I am hanging in there. Mild anemia has me extra tired and my job has me extra cranky. Good thing it is all temporary:-)

I am very excited to share about the birthing program we are doing. It is called First Birth Ministires and you can read all about it at:
http://firstbirthministries.com/home.asp

It is a Biblical approach to childbirth - the way God intended us to do it. We are trusting God's plan for couples and His desire for birth. It is also very marriage centered and the husband plays a very active part in the process. I am so thrilled.

We are most likely going to start picking up baby stuff now. I already have about 3 months worths of diapers we are going to shift to storage. And in just 7 weeks we will know the sex of the baby and start decorating the nursery.

Fun, fun, fun.

2009-01-22T15:29:00.002-06:00

OK, here is another prophetic and poetic blog from Fast Frank himself. I do not, nor have I ever claimed to be any good at this, so,,,,,, all I can say is, "If you don't have anything nice to say about my Blogging Attempt, keep it to yourself!";-)

Anyway, my wife told me I should be the one to show off the latest pics of our "Bun In The Oven" and here he/she is! I cannot begin to tell you how it took my breath away when on the ultrasound machine, we got the oportunity to actually see this little one dance a "Jig" on the monitor! It moves!!! (I know, I know, they are supposed to move, but, it's my first one, give me a break, ok?) Poor Jillian has been suffering with all kinds of morning sickness, and terrible bouts with really bad "Sniffs". That means she will all of a sudden get a sniff of something that at one time might have been good, but now,,, not really. These two pic's were taken together and show a really good outline of the little one with holding arms and hands up by his/her face. My opinion is it looks like me. Can't you tell? Anyway, bye for now.

Peace and Love, God Bless, and always remember, speed safely, and keep the shiny side up!

Frank

Another week gone by...

2009-01-19T16:37:00.002-06:00

And this was a crazy one!

So how about the good, the bad and the well, crazy.

The good
We graduated from the RE! No more visits, no more shots! He called me his poster child too:-) We were really shocked to see that the little bean had grown from 8w1d to 9w5d in just 7 days!

Emily's BFF Sarah had her birthday sleepover and I went to hang out with the moms for a while. We had such a great time visiting. It is really nice to be developing my friendship with Sandy. She is just such a neat person - and she gets me:-)

The morning sickness is getting better. I haven't gotten sick in a few days, though the nausea is still there. At least I am not spending my whole day in and out of the bathroom.

Emily and I got to be part of a really amazing program at church. It is called Cardboard Testimonies. Anyhow, to make a long story short, we were a part of the service and got to share how I chose life when pressured to abort. Emily stole the show - people were crying and clapping. I love that God can take something that was so painful and turn it into a miracle. And I love the people at our church. They are so real. Authentic. Christians like these are hard to come by. You can see an example (not form our church) at

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

The bad
On Saturday morning I woke up with a bizarre rash. I decided to call the OB, just to be safe. The nurse on call said to take some Benadryl and call back if it got worse. I figured Satan was just trying to stop us from going to church Saturday night, and I wasn't going to let that happen. I knew it was important for us to be there.

But on Sunday morning, when I woke up, it had gotten REALLY bad. I called the OB back and they sent me to the ER. The rash was everywhere except my feet. The ER doc had no idea what was causing it - so he just gave me some steroids and sent me home. We decided to skip the roids and use some cortisone cream which would expose the baby to much, much, less.

I woke up with a really sore throat and feeling just plain yucky, but put on my big girl pants and went into work. I chose to work today instead of earning an additional 12 non-contract hours. We had some great in service time with a few other teachers and I even got caught up on my grading.

I think that is the only bad...

The crazy
Emily's lawsuit against the NVICP program keeps chucking along. The government has conceded that she has encephalopathy (which the docs have been saying for years), but they are calling it progressive. Well, having the wonderful attorney we have, he is building an air tight case.

The government's attorneys have practically painted themselves in a corner. I often wonder how they sleep at night, but honestly, I do have to pray for them to keep my heart from being angry. I know it isn't their fault and they are just brainwashed, but anyone who could do what they do needs praying for.

Emily never asked to be in this war and writing her life off as a casualty isn't good enough. She has suffered so much over the past 8 years. She will never be the same and can't get back the two parts of her brain that are gone forever. I just want justice for her.

We are hoping the case will be settled before the baby comes. It will be nice to close that chapter in our lives, though I am still waiting to see how God will use this to bring glory to His kingdom.

God...I'm ready.

Where is the time going?

2009-01-12T16:59:00.004-06:00

It is hard to believe that today marks 9 weeks in our pregnancy. 9 weeks completed already; now we move onto week 10.

Last week's ultrasound with the RE went very well. It is amazing to see how fast our little bean is growing. It's little heart beat was so fast and it is starting to look more like baby than a blob. She said that we might even be able to see the arms and legs this week:-)

The following day (Thursday) we went in to see our OB for the first time. We were there forever! In the process, Dr. Dryden wanted to do another ultrasound - it was a good thing she did. She discovered free fluid in my abdomen. Most likely it is from a cyst that has ruptured. She decided to order a diagnostic ultrasound which will be performed on January 20. Her main concern is ovarian torsion, which can lead to both surgery and the loss of an ovary.

I am having to be very obedient with the no lifting orders, and no exercise. This actually has not been too difficult. When I am not at work, I am usually in bed sleeping or trying not to throw up again. The only good part of morning sickness is that I am not gaining any weight yet. Well, according to my OB, I need to maintain my weight this pregnancy. Wow - that seems like a tall order. As soon as I can tolerate a normal diet, I will be doing weight watchers for the nursing mom which will add the extra calories I need.

Update on Katy:
Katy the poodle pup was adopted within days of our surrender. Her new mom is a very active retired woman with no husband, children or other pets. She was looking for a pup to spoil. We are sure Katy is in dog heaven and that we made the right decision.

Another marathon post...

2009-01-02T12:39:00.002-06:00

A lot has happened since my last post. Considering the severe morning sickness and unfortunate bad timing of a bad cold, I have spent most of my vacation time in bed. I have forced myself to make some outings for Emily's sake, but it is getting a little more difficult now.

So here is the update!

On the baby front:
We went to the RE for another ultrasound last Tuesday and to our surprise we actually got to hear the heartbeat! Not just see it, but hear it. Well, that was all it took for Frank to fall apart. It was such a precious moment. The nurse took a good look around and said there was still just one little bean. I have another RE appointment next Wednesday, then an OB appointment on Thursday. Once I make it to 9 weeks (only a week and couple of days away!), the RE will graduate us. It is already going by so fast.

Christmas:
It was a wonderful Christmas at our house. We had saved a good deal of money and since this will be my last year working full time for a while, we decided to spoil each other. Emily got everything on her list, except for the kitty:-) Her favorite was the Wii. Boy have we had fun with that thing!

We got Frank lots of clothes for work and a few surprises not on his list. One of the coolest is a coin jar that counts the money as you put it in. I also got him the Willow Tree New Life which has a mommy and daddy, with the daddy holding a baby.

And being the wonderful hubby he is, he absolutely spoiled me: my favorite perfume (too expensive to justify purchasing) and everything on my list. Oh and he continued the tradition he started when we got married and got me the Swarovski crystal snowflake ornament. This year's was beautiful.

The only down side was Emily's health. Her seizure medication levels were dropping which led to a really bad week and day. We were able to get through it once we increased her meds and she seems to be feeling a lot better.

Katy the dog:
Last year, in a moment of grief following my aunt's death and struggles with infertility, we adopted a new puppy. I completely went against my husband's wishes on this one. Well, to make a very long story very short, Katy was out of control. Last Wednesday, she attacked and injured our other dog Ally. We made the difficult decision to surrender Katy to the poodle rescue where she can be placed with another family with no children or other dogs.

My grandmother:
Last week, my grandmother was found laying on her apartment floor unable to walk. She had been there for three days. She was hospitalized then later released to a rehab facility. It was then determined that she has the mental capacity of an 8 year old. She is being moved to a full time care facility once she recovers and finished rehab.

This has been a very difficult time given the situation with my grandmother. She has had dementia for quite sometime and my mother and I have had to completely distance ourselves from her. My mother went to visit her at the hospital, but after she attacked her, she decided she would not go back. A part of my heart breaks for my grandmother. She is a very mentally sick woman. The other part of me feels as if she has made her bed. My heart breaks even more for my mother who has had to suffer at the abusive mouth and hands of my grandmother her whole life. My mother deserves better.

Well, I guess that is about it. I am going to try to run out to the grocery store and pray my Zofran helps keep my stomach calm. I hope my little theory about morning sickness is correct. I have always said, the worse the morning sickness, the easier the labor. Not based on any scientific evidence, just experience. With Emily, I was NEVER sick and was in labor for 36 hours. We shall see in just a few months.

Peace and love,
Jillian

The Big Day

2008-12-22T18:02:00.003-06:00

I woke up with morning sickness and decided to fight it off in bed. Frank brought me some ginger ale and crackers and Emily came to keep me company. At some point, I must have drifted off to sleep again.

I was awakened by my phone ringing and surprised to see "Dr. Gill" on the caller ID. It was Jennifer, the receptionist, calling to see if they could change my appointment. They wanted to close the office early tomorrow, so they could get a head start on the holiday celebrations.

As I tried to collect my thoughts and wake from my slumber, she said today at 2:30 was available. I thought "Wow - this is it. Today is the day! Our first ultrasound!"

We went in and saw the most beautiful thing in the whole world. One precious beating heart.

Introducing the first pictures of Little Bean Moller.

How Great is Our God

2008-12-20T10:42:00.002-06:00

Okay - so this is just amazing.

With everything that has been going on, I have been missing a friend who kind of "disappeared" suddenly. On day I tried calling her cell phone and it was disconnected. She had just moved and I didn't have her new address yet. Even though we didn't go a long time without talking (a couple of weeks) I just missed her.

So on Thursday night, I prayed for her. I asked God to help me find and, and to watch over her until I could.

Well, guess what - she called last night!

Isn't that amazing. We had such a great conversation:-)

God is great!

What I learned today

2008-12-19T17:42:00.003-06:00

This has been a horrible two days. When ever I face adversity, I turn to the Bible, and today this is what I learned:

Proverbs 13:16 - "A fool is quick tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted."

God made me a very sensitive person. He made me that way for a reason. For example, because of my deep empathy and compassion, I have touched the lives of over 1200 children. This week a lot of it came to fruition. The counselor approached me today to let me know that I have literally helped a child turn his life around and the child told him it was all because of me. Then my students presented their special occasion speeches and over half of them chose me as a teacher who has changed their life. Teenage boys and girls spoke of how they will never be the same because I took the time to care about them. It is a draining job, but God made me to do it.

On the other hand, sometimes I am too sensitive. When pushed into a corner, sometimes I just fight back. Even in self-defense, I don't always fight fairly.

But I am not going to apologize for being me. God doesn't make mistakes.

Proverbs 13:12 - "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy."

Did God write this for me to read or what! I believe God was rejoicing in my confidence of His promise. By staying focused on His promise, He has rewarded me with a precious life - literally.
I truly believe that worry and disbelief is an insult to Him. In this situation, I am proud that I did keep my faith in His truth.

Proverbs 18:19 - "It is harder to make amends with an offended friend than to capture a fortified city."

I make the mistake of presuming that others see the world the way I do. I am a peacemaker at heart, so I will even admit that I am wrong to settle an argument. But this time, I should have let it pass and not even tried.

Psalm 118:8 - "It is better to trust the Lord than to put your confidence in people."

My friend MK and I talked about the situation. She asked, "given the history, were your really surprised? I think deep down you expected her to respond the way she did. You should have never put your faith in her."

Ouch! But she is right. I put too much confidence is human beings who are all (including me) flawed. I should have just taken it with a grain of salt. She is who she is, and I have loved her the way she is.

But my biggest mistake was turning to someone to help heal my heart. After everything we have been through as friends, I was hoping she could help me heal from the hurt past of dealing with a crisis pregnancy. I should have never put that kind of confidence in a human being.

I know now that I still have a lot of healing and getting pregnant with my husband is not going to make everything that I have pushed down disappear. I still have people to forgive.

It is not her fault for what happened 10 years ago. According to these scriptures, I should have never put the expectation on her in the first place. I should have never expected her to respond the way I needed because that is not her nature and I know that. I should have never responded out of anger, for that just makes me a fool.

But I don't regret trying to fix - I know that is what God wanted me to do. And I don't regret having hope about my baby when she didn't think it was a good idea. Hope was how I was trusting God.

But this too shall pass. I have been trying to figure out why God has been putting such amazing new friends in my life and strengthening old ones (Steph & Dara - you will always be my homies as my kids would say!). I believe that he was preparing me for this to show me that He has great things in store.

Speaking of which, I had the most amazing lunch with my friends today...

Father God,
Thank you for allowing me to grow through this situation. I am so deeply sorry for how I have hurt you and disappointed you with my actions. You are an amazing God who is always there for me. You are my everything.

Please bless my broken sister. Heal her heart as I could not do.

Help me to heal my past, so I will not put unjust expectations on another person again. Help me to forgive those who broke my heart so many years ago.

Father, thank you for the life growing inside of me. Pastor Mark says the Bible is full of promises. You are a God of your word.

I love you, dear Father.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

3rd beta

2008-12-16T12:21:00.002-06:00

And it is up, up again! HCG is 988, E2 is over 2000 and P4 is over 20. According to our nurse Karen, everything looks great.

Due to busy schedules, our ultrasound will be next Tuesday. I have to get grades in before I can leave work Friday and Mondays are just bad for Frank. Hopefully, next Tuesday we will see a heartbeat(s).

Remember to be nice to people as you are out and about this year. It always breaks my heart to see customers being rude to employees. Show them that Christ lives in you and you live for Him.

2nd beta back...

2008-12-12T15:00:00.003-06:00

...and the news is good. My HCG is up to 266 and my estrogen is back up over 2000.

Everything seems to be going as planned. As excited as I am about being pregnant, I am really excited to find out that the hospital where I will be delivering does family centered maternity care, so I will not have to be separated from my little bean after birth. I was able to keep Emily with me, but because I am having a VBAC I had to find a new doctor and a new hospital, and I wasn't sure this would be a possibility.

My mom, being a lactation consultant, did some inside snooping, and heard from several nurses, plus the head of lactation at Texas Children's Hospital that my doctor is the best in the city and the OB most other doctors use. This obviously makes me feel very confident.

So one more week of work, then a much needed break. I am having morning sickness this time, which I did not expect because I didn't have it with Emily. My nurse told me it is from the additional hormones they are giving me and that it was actually a good sign.

Well, I hope everyone is well.

Peace,
Jillian

Mobophobia

2008-12-10T18:10:00.002-06:00

A while back, I remember hearing about a new word being added to the dictionary called Mobophobia. I remember it so vividly because I thought it was absurd. Mobophobia is the panic created when one is without their cell phone. Crazy right?

Or is it....

Today I forgot my phone and had the onset of mobophobia. What if something happens to Em and the school needs to reach me? What about Frank? What if I get in an accident? I felt so lost without my phone.

Sad, so very very sad.

Hi, I am Jillian and I am a mobophobic.

It's official...

2008-12-08T12:51:00.002-06:00

Well I returned to the doctor this morning for more bloodwork. And the results are in...

scroll down

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!

We cheated and took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive, so they did my beta early. It came in at a very strong 74.1 and I return on Friday to make sure it is increasing appropriately. Our first ultrasound is next Friday and we might just know how many beans there are.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support. We will keep everyone updated as news develops:-)

Good news/Bad news

2008-12-04T15:03:00.002-06:00

Good news - I am not longer at risk of hyper stimulation. My E2 levels are dropping rapidly. E2 was 992 on Tuesday and 662 today.

Bad news - My E2 levels are dropping rapidly, which means this cycle is most likely a bust.

I asked my nurse about doing an early beta test (pregnancy) and she said they might try one on Monday. I want to get off all the drugs if I don't need to be on them.

Obviously, we are very upset. I know it is not hopeless until the beta is negative, but I guess I am feeling kind of hopeless.

Please pray for us. We need it.

Jillian

IVF update

2008-12-03T19:24:00.002-06:00

I am so sorry I haven't posted anything lately. A lot has happened, and quite honestly, I just haven't been feeling well, or like myself at all.

Okay - so get ready for the marathon!

On Monday 11/24, we went in for the egg retrieval. And though I don't take the Guinness record for number of eggs, I came in pretty close with 16 mature eggies (not counting the immature ones they left behind). Frank did his part and the embryologist used the ICSI method to inject his sperm into my eggs. 24 hours later we received the call that 13 had fertilized. Of the 13, 10 developed into viable blastocysts.

I felt great that day thanks to the good drugs:-) But Tuesday brought a lot of pain and the abdominal swelling began. By Friday I looked more pregnant than I did when Emily was born. I knew I was experiencing the beginning stages of Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome. Awakening at 3am with severe nausea confirmed my suspicions.

When we arrived at the hospital Saturday morning for the transfer, we were highly discouraged from going through with the procedure (the doctors wanted to cancel it all together) as pregnancy can worsen the hyper stimulation leading to serious complications including death. But despite the doctor's warnings, something deep inside of me told me to proceed.

So here is the part when everyone is going to freak out. I couldn't leave without doing the transfer. For five days, I had been praying for those babies. Frank and I believe in life at conception and all of those embryos are known and loved by God - and by us. We made the decision to follow our hearts and proceed with the transfer.

We returned home for three long days of VERY strict bed rest - potty privileges only. Now, I consider myself to be somewhat of a lazy (laid back) person, but staying in bed for three days just plain sucks! By Tuesday morning, I would have paid a million dollars for a shower.

Now we are in what is called the 2 week wait. It is turning out to be the longest two weeks of my life. My eyes are filling with tears as I type, for I so deeply long to know if the precious embabies are growing inside of me. The only thing I know to do is to turn to God. I want Him to pick me up and hold me in His arms. He loves my precious babies and me more than I can ever imagine. At this point, all we can do is pray and wait.

On Tuesday, my bloodwork looked really good and it seems the OHSS is in check for right now.

Pray and wait. Pray and wait.

The next big update will be 12/13 when we take our blood beta pregnancy test. Until then, all we can do is pray and wait.

Trigger time!

2008-11-22T07:52:00.001-06:00

Sorry I didn't update last night. I crashed again at 8:30. I have been really tired lately.

I had my final ultrasound yesterday and freaked out when RE (not mine but another in the practice) came into to do it. He started asking how I was feeling. I got really worried. Then as he was giving mm numbers for the follies, I noticed that for the first time they were all over the place - several at 10, some 13 & 14s, then 16s, 17s, 18s, and one 19 and 20. He said one more day then left the room. Huh? :confused:

My nurse siad I might need another ultrasound in the morning and she would call soon with more info. So I was worried all day. Finally, at 4pm the nurse called with the good news. I get to trigger tonight! One more day meant one last day of stims. My follies were just about ready. I have a bunch - at least 20, but my RE only takes the mature ones (16mm or bigger) and leaves the rest in for estrogen support. Nurse thinks I will get 8-10 mature eggs at retrieval which is scheduled for 7:45 am Monday morning.

Oh yeah, my E3 was 1802! No wonder I am so moody!

Peace,
Jillian

Ultrasound #2 & Emily EEG update

2008-11-19T19:59:00.003-06:00

So today was ultrasound number 2. I arrived at the doctor's office praying that I could make it through the appointment without throwing up. I have been horribly nauseous and tired today. My E2 levels came back at 988 (they were 375 on Monday 11/17 and 41.8 on Thursday 11/13) so the hormones are doing their job, but making me sick. I have always been sensitive to estrogen.

As of today, I have 18 follies (at least) measuring an average of 13mm with a couple of 14s and a 15. The nurse said they grow at about 2mm a day now, so we should be at THE number by Saturday. Do the math and that is about 9 inches of extra stuff in my belly right now. Can we say bloated? For right now, I have an appointment scheduled for Friday morning and then we will go from there.

Em also had her neuro appointment yesterday and we got some bad good news. It was bad because her EEG was definitely abnormal. It was good news because the EEG was consistent with encephalopathy according to the expert reading the EEG. That's right. After all these years, we finally have documented proof that we are right. The damage to her occipital and temporal lobes is caused by encephalopathy. And what is the cause of that? Well the swelling from the toxins that attacked her brain at 15 months - toxins found in every childhood vaccine like formaldehyde. No more guessing about what EXACTLY happened. God has given me the answers I have been looking for for 8 years. I feel so much peace right now. I finally know exactly what happened.

Of course, this doesn't help our prognosis, but as her neuro said, a child's brain is like plastic, and Emily is living proof of how if will heal itself.

Being a mom and becoming a mom (again) is just hard work sometimes. Today I just feel honored that God trusts me so much to go through this.

Blessings,
Jillian